Thirty Nine

Someday

2006-12-17T21:58:00.000-05:00

Someday we'll be together
More than we're apart,
And good-bye won't be for weeks at a time,
Weeks spent looking forward to a few short hours,
Those few short hours
Spent dreading the next good-bye.

Someday we'll be able to see each other
Whenever we want,
And nothing will keep us apart.

We'll have overcome these barriers,
And eliminated our differences,
And it'll all have been worth it.

There'll be no waiting or anticipating,
And we'll be able to enjoy every moment as it comes,
…together.

Peace,
Justin

Friday Afternoon [11.10.06]

2006-11-29T21:51:00.000-05:00

To think that we’ve come this far,
Two strangers that met by chance,
And fell in love against all odds.

There is so much that separates us,
And yet lying here with you,
That all seems so irrelevant.

I could lie here with you forever,
Your head resting on my chest,
Your eyes closed as you sleep.

I just want to hold you forever,
Your body tight up against mine,
Your calm breathing the only sound.

It’s been such a short time,
But I know this is right,
And as I watch you sleep,
All I can think about,
Is just how much I love you.

Peace,
Justin

Taking On the World

2006-09-30T18:42:00.000-05:00

The world is far too large,
It's population far too great,
I'll never be anybody here,
So let me at least be somebody
to you.

This world will never notice me,
Will never see what I could be,
Few will ever learn who I am,
So let me at least show who I am
to you.

The world's got too much wrong,
Too much that I could never fix,
I can't make it right for everybody,
So let me at least make it right
for you.

Peace,
Justin

Troy, New York

2006-06-10T21:10:00.000-05:00

Over two hundred and sixty miles,
More than twenty-three hours and twenty minutes,
One free concert,
Standing in line,
Celebrating The Wait,
Revolution Hall on River Steet,
Three great bands,
One free t-shirt,
Tongue Tied,
Awesome music,
Walking to my car in the rain,
Blindly following traffic,
Crossing the bridge,
Too many one-way streets,
Lost in New York,
Asking for directions,
Wrong side of the Hudson River,
Passing and repassing the Watervliet Arsenal,
Route 155, Colonie, Route 32 East,
Driving around in circles from 11:30 PM to 1:15 AM,
Route 787, Route 32 West, Route 2,
Running three or more red lights,
Passing one cop,
Parking at a brightly lit Hess Station,
Locking the doors,
Reclining the seat,
Putting on a sweatshirt,
Sleeping until 6:00 AM,
Waking up cold and thirsty,
Buying and drinking a bottle of orange juice,
Tropicana, some pulp,
Finding the bathroom locked,
Resuming my search,
Crossing the river,
Driving up and down 15th Street,
Frear Park and a cemetery,
Passing through Rensselaer,
Finally locating Route 66,
Actually Pawling Avenue,
On to Route 43,
Averill Park and Dunham Hollow,
Finding my destination at 7:15 AM,
Showering and sleeping until 10:30 AM,
Talking and eating,
Leaving for home,
Route 22 and Hoosick,
Stewart's and another cemetery,
Visiting a new house,
Long muddy driveway,
Driving through the rain,
Up Hogback,
And down the other side,
Filling up at Neighbor's,
New York, Vermont, New Hampshire,
Arriving home,
Knowing it was all worth it,
And having one of the most interesting twenty-four hour periods,
Ever.

Peace,
Justin

The Engraved Silver Pocket-watch

2006-06-09T07:57:00.000-05:00

The old man rocks slowly back and forth,
He sits alone on the far end of the park bench,
His eyes are closed in deep concentration,
And his old worn hands lie motionless on his lap,
His head is bowed towards the ground,
As if to say that his tired neck can no longer support its weight,
It is the image of a man broken by long years of hard labor,
But really, it is that of a heart broken from years of unrequited love,
As he sits there, his rhythmic motion marking the final moments of his life,
He tries to remember times long past and ventures long forgotten,
But most of all he longs to remember the girl he once loved,
The engraved silver pocket-watch that he retrieves from his jacket,
Is the only physical reminder that remains,
Softly ticking, counting down the seconds until the end,
As his fingers tighten around the watch and its chain,
He focuses all of his earthly energy on a single memory,
And, though it is distant, he strains his mind,
To unbury the one person he'd been burying for the longest,
To recall for just a moment the last time they had shared together,
It had been on a cool clear evening that he had last visited the bench,
A cool evening some fifty-three years earlier,
And now, not only is he much older, but he is alone,
She had had long flowing hair of a light shade of brown,
And sparkling blue eyes that always smiled from within,
It had been an unforgettable and life-changing evening,
If he had only known at the time the significance that it would hold,
He would have made sure to examine every detail,
The beautifully defined lines of her elegant figure,
The way she had looked up to him and smiled into his face,
The way she had shyly giggled and grasped his hands in her own,
He would be able to call it all up and feel content in his final moments,
But instead the episode is just a distant memory,
And the poor old man strains to remember it,
He strains to remember how her soft skin had felt to his touch,
But all he can feel now is the cold hard metal of his watch,
It mocks his hands like the harsh reality of the world,
His final connection to that world before he leaves it at last,
Gently slumping over he loses the battle--all remaining strength,
And everything is forgotten,
His broken heartbeat fades to nothing,
His final breath escapes his lips,
And as if to mark the finality of the moment,
The whitened knuckles of his fist begin to unclench,
And the engraved silver pocket-watch drops from his hand,
Suspended over the ground by its chain,
Wrapped around a single finger.

Peace,
Justin

What Might Be

2006-05-28T20:53:00.000-05:00

Just a moment, please,
And maybe we will see,
A better time and place,
A better day, perhaps.
Stop, and look around,
It could all be there.
Every single detail,
Could give an answer,
Every other person,
Could prove a friend,
And every single place,
A home in the making.
Take a chance,
And look around,
And see what might be.
There could be more,
Or nothing new to see,
But give it a chance,
And see what just might be.

Peace,
Justin

Hero

2006-05-25T08:32:00.000-05:00

There stands the hero,
Upon his public pedestal,
On display for all the masses,
An example for the children.
No smile on his face,
No fire left in his eyes,
His heart has lost the battle,
His spirit has lost the fight.
Too long the eyes have followed him,
Too large the stack of mail,
The endless stream of interviews,
Everyone follows in his trail.
He has sold what once was sacred,
Left behind his initial goals,
He got caught up in the glory,
Now he simply fills the role.
But who's to blame for this?
Is it him or is it us?
We ask for a model to follow,
And we'll give him what he wants.
Enter small-town good samaritan,
Exit empty hero, goodness lost.
We have taken the hope for the future,
And made a poster-boy without a cause.

Peace,
Justin

The Table

2006-05-22T14:39:00.000-05:00

The hard table provides no relief from the day. I simply sit here as the world runs by through my head, and I realize that there really isn't any hope, any future that will count. I have already wasted too many hours this same way, with my head on this hard gray table. It is for this moment my own, but before now it has been a rest for countless more. It is a graveyard, a cemetery for the minds and hopes and aspirations of the youth--of tomorrow. Mine is the newest headstone, but by no means does it stand alone; many cracked and crumbling granite markers are all that remain of numerous youthful existences. There is no hope, this resting place will simply continue to consume students without a fight, without a chance to survive, until every plot is filled and a newer, more efficient means of subduing the future opens and begins to fill. It continues and expands and grows and evolves, and all while I sit here doing nothing, allowing all of it. But what am I supposed to do? I am simply another victim, there is no fight, no hero here, I have now powers or special attributes that the others before me have lacked. I am simply aware of it, which makes the process that much more painful and difficult to endure. There is nothing I can do to fight it, my purpose seems simply to know it and record it.

Peace,
Justin

Invsible Wings

2006-05-21T19:38:00.000-05:00

Go fly a kite,
Don't fight the flight.
The goal's in sight,
To fly's my right.

Peace,
Justin

Vandalism [Modern Poetry]

2006-05-12T22:06:00.000-05:00

Incoherent revelations,
Scattered through the subway stations.
The knowing but unknown,
Legacies of the underground prophets,
Scratched into the ancient paint,
Cracked and peeling,
Or spray-painted over,
Fresh and new.
They quietly go about their business,
Unappreciated,
Often condemned.
The troubled man,
The greater mind:
A vandal,
Simply trying to put his unease to rest.

Peace,
Justin

IV.

2006-05-10T19:12:00.000-05:00

And yet, as I say all of this, I am myself forced to question how much of it is true. I haven’t really found any long-lasting answers, I just keep searching. From time to time it all starts to make sense and seems to be running smoothly, but that never seems to last. Generally, these brief times of clarity arise from interactions with the people around me—from the relationships with all of the different people that enter and depart from my life. But to say that most of these of clarity arise from interactions and relationships, it is important to also acknowledge that most of the difficult and dark times are caused by the same two things. It is difficult to understand how the highest and lowest times in life are often engendered by the same things, but it’s the truth. And if you truly consider it, it just means that when the things hat really matter are going well they can turn everything around to the bright side, whereas hen those things that really matter start to go wrong, it can cause you to forget all of the good things in your life. That is also to say that the things that really matter have the greatest range of ups and downs. I guess this is simply necessary, and completely acceptable. It’s all a part of what makes them important, and makes it possible for them to be as good as they are at times. With placing a high value on something, comes a genuine and often realized risk that is simply a part of the cost. But no matter what, the point is that these times of clarity are indeed brief and result from contact with other people most often. And without any doubt, I can say that these are not the answers to life’s many questions, but simply momentary reprieves, false and short-lasting relief. So my search continues, and I’m still as far away as when my search began.

Peace,
Justin

Krakauer's Obsession with Obsession

2006-05-08T14:55:00.000-05:00

In both Under the Banner of Heaven and Eiger Dreams, author Jon Krakauer explores the ways that obsession affects people, although he does so differently in each work. In Under the Banner of Heaven he gives an account of how two religious fundamentalists were led to commit murder because of their obsession; while in Eiger Dreams he tells the stories of many different people who have been obsessed with rock-climbing, including himself. And although the two books may on the surface appear to be completely unrelated, Krakauer links their stories with a common theme, one that has forced him to delve extremely deep into his subjects to understand them. In each work he gives clear and well-researched insight into the motives and justifications behind peoples’ actions. This insight appears as a subtle, but detailed commentary on the reasons for, and the implications, meaning, and results of obsession.

It was March, 1984 when Ron Lafferty received the revelation. He was to remove his sister-in-law Brenda Lafferty and her baby, then Chloe Low, and finally Richard Stowe so that God’s work could continue forward. He consulted his brother Dan, and after much praying, they both agreed that the revelation had indeed come from their almighty master. Only a few months later, on July 24, the brothers entered the home of Brenda Lafferty and proceeded to brutally murder both her and her fifteen-month-old baby daughter Erica. The rest of the revelation was never carried out; however, two lives were taken, and two men have had little difficulty in admitting to the heinous crime that they committed in the name of God. Under the Banner attempts to explain how these two religious zealots had so little difficulty taking the lives of two individuals on faith alone.

In Eiger Dreams, Jon Krakauer explores completely different subject matter, describing some of the most prominent figures, both human and geographic, in the world of mountaineering. John Gill, Andy Embick, Adrian Popovich, Rick Fisher, the Burgess twins, and of course himself are just a few of the mountain climbers mentioned, while Denali, Everest, K2, and the Eiger are just a few of the mountains. The stories are filled with glory and success, but also with fatalities and defeat. These are the harrowing adventures that keep pulling people into one of the sports with the greatest fatality rate; although it can be said that perhaps it is actually the fatality rate itself that draws much of the crowds. Eiger Dreams attempts to explain to the non-climbing world why climbers climb, and why it is such a consuming lifestyle that few have given up by choice.

In these two books, Jon Krakauer explores two obsessions, and in doing so, he attempts to explain the causes behind them. In Under the Banner of Heaven, he describes how the Lafferty brothers became so hopelessly involved in Fundamentalist Mormonism, and in Eiger Dreams, how climbers, himself included, feel and must succumb to the call of the mountains. It can be observed, in each, a major factor that contributes to such fixations as one’s upbringing; the Laffertys were born into a family that relentlessly studied and lived the Mormon faith, while many of the mountain climbers he follows were either born into a culture that idolizes the accomplishment of such feats as have been dubbed insane by many or introduced to the sport at an early age. Generally these people also demonstrate similar personality traits; they are people who firmly believe in their obsessions and through incredible strength and daring face them head on. In addition, Krakauer describes some of the things that have fueled his own obsession, and it would seem that there is truth in his statement for both mountain-climbers and religious fanatics:

And if I remain in the dark about our purpose here, and the meaning of eternity, I have nevertheless arrived at an understanding of a few more modest truths: Most of us fear death. Most of us yearn to comprehend how we got here, and why—which is to say, most of us ache to know the love of our creator (Krakauer, Banner 339).

That is to say, that obsession is often caused by the need to understand existence and to find purpose in life; it is often an attempt to find answers to the greatest questions that people have. There are many reasons behind extreme fascinations, but what Krakauer emphasizes is that it is generally simply an aching to comprehend what humans are doing on this planet.

In an attempt to further understand what Jon Krakauer is writing about, it is important to know what exactly obsession is, since it can mean many different things as is demonstrated in these two works. Obsession is defined as being a persistent, disturbing, preoccupation with an idea or feeling; a definition that very accurately describes what is described through the Krakauer’s stories of the Laffertys and numerous mountaineers. In Under the Banner of Heaven the obsession of the Laffertys is over religion and their belief that they were chosen by God to do his good work and to remove any that stand in the way of that being accomplished. In Eiger Dreams the obsession of the many mountain-climbers is with personal accomplishment, testing physical limits, cheating death, and of course competition. As Krakauer himself said in an interview,

I was stirred by the mystery of death; I couldn’t resist stealing up to the edge of doom and peering over the brink. The view into that swirling black vortex terrified me, but I caught sight of something elemental in that shadowy glimpse, some forbidden, fascinating riddle (Contemporary).

A quote that can alone reveal much of what his obsession with mountains is all about. It is something different for everybody, but whatever it is, it’s always a persistent, disturbing, preoccupation with something.

To fully understand the obsessions described in these two books, it is important to examine how Jon Krakauer’s subjects justify their extreme fascinations; but first, it is necessary to study some of the results. In Under the Banner of Heaven, the two Lafferty brothers’ obsession with faith led to the murder of an innocent woman and her defenseless infant daughter, while in Eiger Dreams, the obsession of numerous rock-climbers led to severe injuries or in many cases, death. Presented with these results, the task of justifying anything that could lead to murder, injury, and death, would appear to anyone as very daunting. Even Krakauer himself admitted, in an interview when questioned about his own near-death experience on Mount Everest as a member of an expedition that lost some of Everest’s biggest names,

I guess I don’t try to justify climbing, or defend it, because I can’t. There’s no way to defend it, even to yourself, once you’ve been involved in something like this disaster. And yet I’ve continued to climb. I don’t know what that says about me or the sport other than the potential power it has. What makes climbing great for me, strangely enough, is this life and death aspect. It sounds trite to say, I know, but climbing isn’t just another game. It isn’t just another sport. It’s life itself (Contemporary).

But, despite the fact that he claims he doesn’t try to justify climbing, or obsession in general, this statement alone is enough to explain why he climbs, and if that’s not enough, in each of his works he further explains how people can justify their fixations. If people couldn’t validate their own obsessions, how could they let themselves become so immersed in them?

In regards to validating such extreme fixations as fundamental Mormonism that led to murder, Krakauer does his best to describe how his subjects justified their monstrous acts. During his research on this particular subject, Krakauer asked Dan Lafferty if there is any difference between him and Osama bin Laden, to which he replied,

I’ve asked myself that. Could I be there? Is that what I’m like? And the answer is no. Because Osama bin Laden is an asshole, a child of the devil. I believe his real motivation isn’t a quest for honesty and justice, which maybe were his motivations in his earlier life. Now he’s motivated by greed and profit and power (Krakauer, Banner 317).

Following which, Krakauer continued by inquiring as to the difference between what bin Laden’s followers did on September 11, and what he did on the July 24, 1984. His reply was, “I have to admit, the terrorists were following their prophet. They were willing to do essentially what I did. I see the parallel. But the difference between those guys and me is, they were following a false prophet, and I’m not” (318). Through this interview, much insight into the minds of Laffertys can be gained. It is apparent that they justified their actions simply by believing completely and unquestioningly in their faith and eventually in a revelation that would lead to murder. They each believed entirely that they were right and that anyone who disagreed was wrong; theirs was the only true religion: Mormon Fundamentalism. Another interpretation of how the Laffertys justified their crime, though, refers directly back to the historical roots of the Mormon faith; according to Malcolm Jones, “Brigham Young preached that some sins were so heinous as to justify the murder of the sinner. This ‘blood atonement’ was the justification the Laffertys used for their murders” (Jones). This is to say that Brenda Lafferty and her daughter had themselves committed unforgivable sins against God, which necessitated their removal. In these ways, Krakauer’s Under the Banner of Heaven attempts to explain how two men could justify an obsession with faith so strong that could lead them to murder two people.

When it comes to justifying extreme fascination with mountains, Krakauer often refers back to his own personal experience, but all in all, in Eiger Dreams he describes a mindset and a lifestyle of people who simply are drawn in by the lure of mountains. As he admits in his Author’s Note to Eiger Dreams and in numerous interviews, it is very difficult to explain to a non-climber why he and his peers risk life to experience the nature in her most raw and unforgiving manner. So to do so, he writes that in this book he simply tries to prove that, “most climbers aren’t in fact deranged, they’re just infected with a particularly virulent strain of the Human Condition” (Krakauer, Dreams x). As he describes it, mountain-climbing really is a lifestyle, a lifestyle that certain people are inclined to follow up and become addicted to simply because they were born with that need for close-calls and the ever intensifying adrenaline rush. The obsession with climbing is an all-encompassing fascination with testing and breaking limits for the ultimate experience of living. To Krakauer and most climbers alike, these reasons are more than enough to justify their fixation and far outweigh the risks that often overshadow them. As he writes further along in his Author’s Note to Eiger Dreams, “by the age of eighteen climbing was the only thing I cared about; work, school, friendships, career plans, sex, sleep—all were made to fit around my climbing or, more often, neglected outright” (xi). Would someone who has trouble validating his obsession admit to that?

Jon Krakauer writes as someone who has truly lived and experienced this world. He can do this because he has, which is because from the age of eight he has had an obsession, a persistent, disturbing, preoccupation with climbing. Whether it be with climbing or with a fundamentalist religion, most people know what that preoccupation is all about, because most of us have a fixation of some sort. The two that Krakauer describes in Under the Banner of Heaven and Eiger Dreams are extreme examples, but in picking extreme examples, he was able to explore them to a more extensive depth. The truth is, most of our obsessions will never lead to murder or death, but they will lead to the great feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment that also accompany any fascination. As Krakauer wrote in one of the articles published in Eiger Dreams,

The insubstantial frost feathers ensured that those last twenty feet remained hard, scary, onerous. But then, suddenly, there was no place higher to go. It wasn’t possible, I couldn’t believe it. I felt my cracked lips stretch into a huge, painful grin. I was on top of the Devils Thumb (Krakauer, Eiger 184).

We have all known that moment and experienced that feeling of success when our obsession with something leads to our goal, and it is that moment that we all live for, no matter how long it takes to get there, and no matter how painful the journey, when we get there, it has all been worth it. The truth is, the theme explored in these two works is one that we can all apply to our own life no matter how different the circumstances. In writing these two books, Jon Krakauer has added a chapter to the quest for understanding one of the world’s most common themes by discussing the reasons for, and the implications, meaning, and results of obsession.

Peace,
Justin

III.

2006-04-26T21:14:00.000-05:00

So until I figure all of this out, I guess my best option is to just try my best to experience this world I’m living in, and of course, its many different people. I believe the best way to learn about yourself is to immerse yourself into the different cultures that exist on this planet. There is so much to do and see, so if you’re not sure what your calling is, a good way to start searching for it is to just get out there. Live it up. Find what you enjoy doing, what makes you happy. Search for and discover satisfaction. You have to find what’s right for you and be who you are—who you want to be—who you were born to be. Whoever that may be. You won’t get any answers by just sitting around and doing nothing. This is your time, make it count. You have to take full responsibility for your life; who else should? Find your calling however you can, surround yourself with whatever makes you tick, and escape the things that bring you down and prevent you from making the best of what you’ve got to work with. You’ve got to find out where you fit, where you belong in an ever-diversifying society. You have to find your scene—as it is often referred to. What can you contribute that will be beneficial, if not inspirational, to others that are like you? If you’re unsure of your purpose—the meaning of your life—then do what you can do to help others find theirs, and maybe you’ll get lucky and figure it out along the way. As I have discovered, one of the best ways to solve your own problems is to help others with theirs. Or, perhaps you will discover that helping others is your purpose. That you were put here with others besides yourself in mind, which in many ways is perhaps one of the highest callings. Also, it may be one of the most rewarding, which is to say that someone who spends his life helping others may be much happier than someone who is extremely successful, but has never done anything with anyone else in mind. The pay for charity, although numerically very low, may in fact be much higher in the grand scheme of things. This, however, is only one path that can be followed, and it is definitely not right for everybody. But the only way to know for sure, that is, to figure you why you’re really here, is to get out there, to experience this world, and just see what happens. If all works out, you’ll probably get to the point where you just know, you just understand the reason for your existence.

Peace,
Justin

II.

2006-04-23T14:25:00.000-05:00

In my wonderment, I consider many of the things that most people do, but it’s different I think. Very different. I guess I just want to understand, to know what it is that I want to know. But the difficulty is in that I don’t actually know what it is that I want to know. I mean, I guess that what I want to know is how to live and experience this world in a way that I’m not wasting my time. At most, I’ll get what, maybe a hundred years?—What is a hundred years?—But how do I use that time? It’s hard to say, I think. It’s a good start to be able to comprehend that time, but it’s also a curse. To know that your time to live is so short, but to not understand how to use that time. To want, as desperately as I do, to use my time here for both the good of myself and others. Although I believe my primary purpose is to do my best to enjoy myself, it’s also important that I do what I can to help others and contribute to this world in whatever ways I can. It’s just frustrating, to realize how quickly time winds down. I’m not sure what I should be doing, I just hope to find out soon enough so that this frustration doesn’t continue forever.

Peace,
Justin

I.

2006-04-20T14:42:00.000-05:00

I sometimes wonder as to the future of humanity, but more importantly, I often wonder as to my own future, but not necessarily in the way that others wonder about their futures. All anyone seems to be doing anymore is preparing; which I guess you could say is just being smart in regards to guaranteeing yourself a comfortable—and perhaps socially acceptable—future. But the way I see it, this is not planning or looking out for your best interests, but rather speeding up the process of dying with little attention paid to the actual process of living. As it appears to me, there are very few people who are actually at all concerned with life itself. It seems that everyone is only concerned with the end, the conclusion, the final moment. And this leads me to the question that if nobody cares at all about any moment other than the last, what is the point in living all the rest? It would also seem that there are those who aren’t even concerned with the end at all, but only with what comes after. These are the people who confuse me the most, because frankly, we have nothing to rely on other than faith that there is anything after death. And although I have faith that there is something that follows death, I see no sense in wasting what time we know we have on that belief. We are born, we live, and then we die. Anything further than that is guesswork on our parts. I see no sense in not spending what time we know we have living. Because, I believe that a man who spends each day living it as though it were his last will be much better prepared when that day finally arrives than a man who spends his entire life preparing for that day.

Peace,
Justin

Appreciation

2006-04-16T19:21:00.000-05:00

I long to feel the grips of darkness,
To understand the light.
To hang on the edge of a nightmare,
To comprehend the dream.
To come face to face with death,
To fully appreciate life.

Peace,
Justin

The Reason For Existence

2006-04-15T22:11:00.000-05:00

Forever swirling in the endless confusion of a world long gone and a promise long forgotten, never coming, never going, nowhere in sight, the place we long to be, and the peak we soar to reach; no, nothing of that kind, and nowhere in this world, but this rock, standing on this rock, with nothing but our minds to guide our thoughts of places and dreams, searching out the goal, the answer, an even understanding of the reason for existence.

Peace,
Justin

Belief and Technique for Modern Prose

2006-04-14T21:53:00.000-05:00

By Jack Kerouac

1. Scribbled secret notebooks, and wild typewritten pages, for yr own joy
2. Submissive to everything, open, listening
3. Try never get drunk outside yr own house
4. Be in love with yr life
5. Something that you feel will find its own form
6. Be crazy dumbsaint of the mind
7. Blow as deep as you want to blow
8. Write what you want bottomless from bottom of the mind
9. The unspeakable visions of the individual
10. No time for poetry but exactly what is
11. Visionary tics shivering in the chest
12. In tranced fixation dreaming upon object before you
13. Remove literary, grammatical and syntactical inhibition
14. Like Proust be an old teahead of time
15. Telling the true story of the world in interior monolog
16. The jewel center of interest is the eye within the eye
17. Write in recollection and amazement for yourself
18. Work from pithy middle eye out, swimming in language sea
19. Accept loss forever
20. Believe in the holy contour of life
21. Struggle to sketch the flow that already exists intact in mind
22. Don't think of words when you stop but to see picture better
23. Keep track of every day the date emblazoned in yr morning
24. No fear or shame in the dignity of yr experience, language & knowledge
25. Write for the world to read and see yr exact pictures of it
26. Bookmovie is the movie in words, the visual American form
27. In praise of Character in the Bleak inhuman Loneliness
28. Composing wild, undisciplined, pure, coming in from under, crazier the better
29. You're a Genius all the time
30. Writer-Director of Earthly movies Sponsored & Angeled in Heaven

Peace,
Justin

The Struggle

2006-04-14T21:19:00.000-05:00

To believe in yourself,
And the life that you're living.
To love life and experience the world,
With an open mind, heart, and soul.
To be content with the good,
As well as the bad.
To know what it is,
That makes everything run.
To make peace,
To be sure,
To know,
And understand.

We long for it all.
How much we get,
We must decide.

Peace,
Justin

A Soreness

2006-04-09T18:24:00.000-05:00

There is a soreness,
A soreness that flows throughout my body,
But not only my body, but my entire being,
A soreness of mind and of soul as well.
It invades my every thought and emotion,
Only encouraged by the circumstance of existence,
Further magnified by the enormity of perception.
It is a soreness that will remain through completion,
And follows through into fulfillment.
It exists always, a constant persistence.
No one knows all of the evil it has caused,
Nobody wants to,
But it is never forgotten, never lost or escaped.
At times it surfaces as anger or sorrow,
While for others it is an inspiration.
It is the author of numerous works,
The painter of many a scene,
The singer of a number of songs.
It is an artist and an intellectual,
It is a zealot and a bum.
But whatever it is, we all know it.
It has made or broken us all.
There is a soreness,
A soreness to which we are all well acquainted.

Peace,
Justin

Preface

2006-04-08T20:52:00.000-05:00

The sky is a deep shade of gray,
Greatly contrasting the hill which stands ablaze,
With a bright hue of orange,
Projected on leafless trees,
By the setting sun.
The hill shadowed in the foreground,
By the dark green of pine trees.

As the sun continues to sink,
The orange dims and the gray lightens,
While the colors of the sky, hill, and pine trees blend.

It is early spring,
But the trees remain lifeless.
The absence of the sun's light,
Provides a solemn preface to the night.

Peace,
Justin

Wishful Thinking

2006-03-28T18:17:00.000-05:00

Colorful visions,
Of wonderful thoughts,
Provide an image.
So clear.

Displayed across your mind,
Illustrated by the best,
Painted many colors.
So vibrant.

Viewing the world,
Imagining the rest,
What a sight.
So alive.

Dancing streams,
Of light and sound,
See and hear it all.
So pure.

Through the clouds,
Experience through beauty,
Feel the scene.
So fulfilling.

Wishful thinking,
To enjoy this brave world,
As more than it is.
Too much to ask.

Peace,
Justin

Who I Thought You Were

2006-03-26T14:12:00.000-05:00

You were here a little while ago,
At least I thought that it was you.
But I guess you had ought to know now,
That I was wrong in what I thought I knew.

Peace,
Justin

2006-03-24T22:33:00.000-05:00

US Open

2006-03-24T22:26:00.000-05:00

US Open

The Martyrs

2006-03-23T16:03:00.000-05:00

Innocent there,
They stood their ground,
Against the men they feared.
Not moving,
Still,
A human wall,
A wall that showed no fear.
It can't be said,
If they had a chance,
But many of them were lost,
And their message bold,
Rang clear that day,
No matter what the cost.

Peace,
Justin

Unseen

2006-03-14T19:48:00.000-05:00

Dilapidated enterprise,
little hope remains.
Crumbling into oblivion;
coming apart at the seams.
Still holds on,
but little faith.
Silent death,
unseen.

Peace,
Justin

Dream

2006-03-14T19:12:00.000-05:00

Intricate fantasies,
division unseen.
Floating past
the beginning.
End of a dream.

Peace,
Justin

Two

2006-03-01T17:24:00.000-05:00

I set out that day,
To find me a way,
To make it okay,
But I failed.

I didn't get far,
But I still have a scar,
From that horrible war,
That I fought with myself.

Think of it again,
I know that you can,
Stands before you a man,
That has changed quite a bit.

But never forget,
That man who you met,
Because I'm willing to bet,
He still lives today.

Deep, down inside,
Is where he'll reside,
Until he's untied,
And I let him go free.

But if he's let go,
What will happen, I know,
Is that he won't stay below,
But he'll rise up and fight.

And then, you see,
Who I am, I won't be,
And I'm sure you'd agree,
That I've already changed quite enough.

Peace,
Justin

Old Man [The Song]

2006-02-28T17:01:00.000-05:00

Old man,
Won't you tell me,
How did you keep courage during the war?
Your friend was killed beside you,
You shot a man,
You walked over a thousand fallen soldiers,
But you kept your courage up.

Old man,
Won't you tell me,
How did you hold back the tears when the Europeans took your land?
You were willing to share,
You were ready to help,
But they took over your land,
And you held back the tears.

Old man,
Won't you tell me,
How did you make ends meet during The Depression?
Nobody had any money,
Food and supplies were scarce,
You had to work for next to nothing,
But you managed to make ends meet.

[Chorus]
So, won't you tell me,
How did you survive?
After everything you've been through,
How did you survive?
After all the pain and sorrow you've known,
How did you survive?
How...

Old man,
Won't you tell me,
How did you feed your family when you lost your job?
You went into work that day,
And you had to turn right around and walk back out,
You didn't know how you'd make any money,
But you still managed to feed your family.

Old man,
Won't you tell me,
How did you keep faith when you were persecuted for your beliefs?
You studied and you prayed,
But they told you you were wrong,
And they beat the leaders of your church,
But you kept up your faith.

[Chorus]
So, won't you tell me,
How did you survive?
After everything you've been through,
How did you survive?
After all the pain and sorrow you've known,
How did you survive?
How...

Old man,
Won't you tell me,
How did you stay strong while you were imprisoned overseas?
You were fighting for a noble cause,
But the enemy captured and imprisoned you,
You lived seven years in a small dark cell,
But somehow you stayed strong.

Old man,
Won't you tell me,
How did you stay brave when the white men enslaved you?
You were captured in your homeland,
And shipped to an unknown place,
You were forced to do what the white men said,
But you still remained brave.

[Chorus]
So, won't you tell me,
How did you survive?
After everything you've been through,
How did you survive?
After all the pain and sorrow you've known,
How did you survive?
How...

You're still here.
You're still here.

Peace,
Justin

Old Man [A Tribute]

2006-02-27T20:18:00.000-05:00

Old man,
Won't you tell me,
How did you keep courage during the war?

Old man,
Won't you tell me,
How did you hold back the tears when the Europeans took your land?

Old man,
Won't you tell me,
How did you make ends meet during The Great Depression?

Old man,
Won't you tell me,
How did you feed your family when you lost your job?

Old man,
Won't you tell me,
How did you keep faith when you were persecuted for your beliefs?

Old man,
Won't you tell me,
How did you keep courage while you were imprisoned overseas?

Old man,
Won't you tell me,
How did you stay brave when the white men enslaved you?

Old man,
Won't you tell me,
How did you survive?

You're still here.

Peace,
Justin

The Sterile Marshmallow

2006-02-25T21:31:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been a vacation full of skiing. Today was my sixth consecutive day at Mount Sunapee. I'm exhausted and a little bit sore, but it has been an awful lot of fun. One of the high points of the week was yesterday. I dressed up in a giant white Tyvek sanitation suit, which was absolutely hilarious. Also, I had the pleasure of making friends with a chair lift pole. Here is how we met:

Peace,
Justin

Progress

2006-02-25T17:24:00.000-05:00

Pack your bags [Prepare],
Lock your door [Good-Bye],
Leave your house [Escape],
Return no more [Gone].

That's not where you belong anymore,
That place is old and smells of times past,
Take what you need and don't return there,
Learn to move on, because it wasn't meant to last.

Peace,
Justin

Just stop

2006-02-22T19:03:00.000-05:00

Just stop and take a pause,
Look around at everything,
Realize it'll never be perfect,
Realize you're not a king.

There's a lot you cannot change,
A lot you'll never fix,
But don't worry about it,
It's all just a part of the mix.

Take it as it comes,
Life isn't all that long,
Enjoy the time you've got,
Before all of it's gone.

Don't think about it,
Just get out there,
Have yourself a good time,
And just see how you fair.

Peace,
Justin

Unfulfilled Expectations

2006-02-19T14:58:00.000-05:00

You had such a high opinion of me,
You held me above the rest,
You told me you were the luckiest,
You told me I was the best.

But you had the wrong opinion of me,
You should have held me below the rest,
I'm telling you you're not the luckiest,
And I'm telling you I'm not the best.

You put me apart from the others,
You thought I had something they didn't,
You told me I wasn't like everyone else,
You thought I could be what I didn't.

But you should have grouped me with the others,
Because I don't have anything they don't,
I guess I'm just like everyone else,
And what you thought I would be, I won't.

Or maybe you already figured all of that out on your own.

Peace,
Justin

Sometimes I Get Angry

2006-02-16T17:21:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I get angry at the things I can't control,
I get angry at the things I can't make better.
Sometimes I get frustrated when I don't have the answers,
I get frustrated when I don't know what to say.
Sometimes I get irritated when I can't figure things out,
I get irritated when I don't know what to do.

Peace,
Justin

She Wonders

2006-02-14T20:09:00.000-05:00

She sits alone and wonders,
About things she can't control,
About what it means to be alive,
And how to make herself whole.

She wants to know why she's here,
She wants to find an answer,
Something to look forward to,
A hope, a dream, a future.

She wonders if this is how it is,
She asks if it gets any better,
Whether there's any reason to carry on,
Whether anything she does really matters.

And nothing she's done has told her much,
Nowhere can she find any answers,
But that doesn't stop her from asking,
As she sits alone and wonders.

Peace,
Justin

One Thousand!

2006-02-12T10:55:00.000-05:00

A major landmark for Thirty Nine has been reached. It has now officially received 1,000 hits, thanks to all of you who read what I have to say. Keep it coming, and I'll keep writing.

Peace,
Justin

Some Thoughts on Depression

2006-02-08T22:21:00.000-05:00

I don't believe that depression is something that simply comes on, and I don't believe that it is a medical condition. I think it is a mental state in which you stop seeing the good things in your life. It is as if you lose the ability to see good in anything, and you're only able to see the bad. When all you can see is the bad, things don't look very good, and this is when you become depressed. When this happens, you begin to give up and lose hope. You stop thinking about your future and how your current actions will affect what comes next. All you can do is focus on how bad you think things are, and how wrong everything in your life seems to you. When all of this happens, it's not a wonder you stop seeing how lucky you really are. Even though there are many people in this world who are much worse off than you are, you can't see that when you enter into a depressed state of mind. It's not a wonder that you start to forget just how many people love you and care about you. You don't realize how many people start to worry when they see you in such a state of mind. You're hardly ever as badly off as you think you are, but how are you supposed to understand or believe that when you're there?

What I personally have difficulty understanding, though, is what exactly brings it on. What can make a person who is loved and cared about by many blind to everything good in their life? What causes someone to stop seeing the good in their life? What causes a person to become depressed? I don't know how to answer these questions, because, frankly, I don't understand what can cause these things to happen. One answer to these questions that has been passed around focuses the blame on a person's body, and says that it's caused by chemical imbalances in the brain. I have a very difficult time believing this, but it's one thing that I've heard. As I stated above, I don't think it's a medical condition. I know I don't really understand the workings of the brain, I don't think anyone really does, but I think there's a lot more going on up there than chemical and nerves and reactions and stuff. I think there's a lot more to people than that, and so I reject the theory that depression is caused by chemical imbalances. I do believe, however, that one cause of depression can be related to the body. For example, I believe that when you are sick, you are more likely to become depressed; however, I would also have to say that you are more likely to become sick when you are depressed. It's difficult to say what comes first, but in my opinion it probably varies. There is also an important thing called stress which is often involved. When a person is under a lot of stress, that person is more likely to become sick or depressed or both. There is a lot that goes into each of them, and I'm not sure how often any of them works entirely by itself. Whatever the case, I don't know that anyone can answer the question as to what causes depression and so with any certainty.

I don't expect anyone will ever find an answer, simply because I don't believe that it is a medical condition that we can simply search for a certain virus or bacteria that causes it. The reason for this, is that depression is not a physical or a medical condition, it's a state of mind. It's a mental, emotional, and spiritual condition of your entire being. I believe that it involves a lot more than just your physical being, or your body, because it encompasses every aspect of you. It's something you feel, something you live, and it's something you experience. It involves the people around you, your environment, and everything that you come into contact with.

You take in an awful lot every day of your life. Each experience, each conversation, each face you see, each sound you hear, each and every thing that you come into contact with throughout a day. It all adds up to your day, it all blends together, the good balances out the bad, and your life continues. Some things matter more than others, but ultimately everything adds up and contributes to how you feel, your mood. All of this, everything, is what goes into making us who we are and shaping us. It all influences us, and we think about and consider all of this. Much of it is done subconsciously, but some part of us is affected by most of what goes on around us. Sometimes, though, we think too much about what's going on around us, and that's when we start to put things together in combinations that don't really make sense. We start thinking about what could have happened or what might happen, and we start considering what would happen or how we'd feel if something did or had happened. Somehow we start living these things in our mind, we start experiencing these things, and they affect us. Although we know none of it has happened, we can't help but think about it, and we start feeling how we would have felt if it had happened or how we would feel if it did. I believe this is one way in which people become depressed.

There is an awful lot that can be said on this topic, but I'm tired, and I have said more than I planned on saying to begin with. If you have an opinion that you would like to share with me, or if you disagree with anything that I have said, I'd be interested in hearing from you. Leave me a comment or send me an email.

Oh, and don't worry, I'm not depressed.

Peace,
Justin

The Irony of Growing Up/Remember Me

2006-02-07T16:19:00.000-05:00

I. The Irony of Growing Up

Isn't it ironic,
How the little children smile,
Though they know they'll all grow up someday?
You're only young for awhile.

One day you're young,
The next you're not,
It goes from everything feeling great,
To everything hurting a lot.

You can't live your life from day to day,
You have to plan ahead,
You must prepare for your future,
It continues until you're dead.

II. Remember Me

Sometimes you have to wonder,
"Is there really any cause?
Will what I've done ever really matter?
Will anyone remember and give pause?"

"A few old photographs,
A letter here and there,
Is all that will remain of me,
Why should I even care?"

But there are those who won't forget,
You've impacted quite a few,
Enough so that when you're gone from here,
There are those who will remember you.

Peace,
Justin

Results

2006-02-06T16:23:00.000-05:00

They posted all of the results from Saturday's NH State Championship Meet, so I figured I'd inform everyone of how I did. Also, the Boys' team placed 16th in the state out of 27 teams and the Girls' team placed 22nd out of 29 teams. Overall it was a much better meet than last year, and I posted three personal best times. Congratulations to the FR and Nick who both did extremely well and qualified for the Regional Championship Meet. The FR placed 3rd in the 100 Backstroke and 8th in the 200 Yard Freestyle. Nick placed 4th in the 100 Butterfly and 8th in the 200 IM. Fratea, Baumgartner, and Martineau all did really well in their events, so it was by far the best showing Monadnock has ever made, and we're just going to get better. Congratulations to Keene Boys' team, this year's NH State Champions!

200 Yard Medley Relay : 1:57.58 9th Place out of 21

200 Yard Individual Medley : 2:29.56 30th Place out of 42

200 Yard Freestyle : 1:42.67 12th Place out of 18

100 Yard Backstroke : 1:06.30 17th Place out of 31

Peace,
Justin

This Past Week and States

2006-02-05T16:58:00.000-05:00

Last week went by really slowly, but it wasn’t a very bad week. I’m feeling pretty good about everything, actually. We got report cards, and I was pleasantly surprised. I thought that I had really done badly in history, but somehow I received an A-, which was my lowest grade. I got and A+ in Chemistry, AP Spanish, Keyboarding, and Honors English, and I got A’s in both Pre-Calculus and Band. So it was an excellent report card; I still can’t believe I’m doing as well as I am this year.

Tuesday was an interesting day. We had practice in the morning, but we weren’t sure if we were going to, because the weather wasn’t very cooperative, and it was snowing. We did have practice, even though, when we got to the pool we discovered that there was a two-hour delay of school. After practice, Baumgartner and I went to school with Motts and watched The Simpsons in his room. During the day I took a math competition test, which got me out of a couple of classes and doesn’t really count for anything. It was pretty difficult, so I doubt that I did very well, but that’s okay. Tuesday night, even thought it was snowing, I went to the school to watch the Girls Varsity Basketball Team’s last home game of the season, which they lost. I feel kind of bad for them, because it’s been a pretty rough season. They’ve only won one game, and they’ve had some issues with injuries. Whatever the case, it was good to go watch and support them.

The rest of the week went by really slowly, and some things happened that I wish hadn’t, but overall it wasn’t too bad. I unintentionally made someone pretty upset over what they considered a joke, so I feel pretty bad about that, but I had difficulty hearing what she had said. For some reason it really bothered me, and I said something, even though I know I shouldn’t have, because it’s none of my business really. I did, though, and there’s not much I can do. It’s a difficult thing, because I feel bad, but I also have a problem with that which was said, so I’m now trying to avoid something that I already involved myself in. Not sure what I should do about that. People are difficult, and I don’t think I’m very good at interacting with them. I try, I really do, but I just don’t think that I’m very good at dealing with people, and I hate it.

Thursday night I shaved my legs. It took close to two hours, because this year my relay team decided to get Speedos, which meant I had to shave quite a bit more than I did last year for the Jammer suits. For school on Friday, I wore shorts, shirt, and tie. I enjoy people’s reactions to my having shaved my legs, and since I’m completely comfortable with it, I can deal with the few who seem to think that there’s something wrong with it. I stayed after for about a half an hour Friday to wait for mother to pick me up. I just hung out with people in the hall-way, which was kind of fun, because Nick had his Speedo, and we were showing everyone what we’d be wearing. Then mother picked me up and we waited until around 4:00 PM when we met up with the Baumgartners to head to our hotel over on the seacoast. When we got there we put everything in the hotel and headed out to Ruby Tuesdays for dinner. We all got hamburgers, and I was pretty impressed, they make really good burgers. Baumgartner and I were doing impressions much of the evening, which kept everyone laughing, so it was a pretty good time. We returned to the hotel and decided to check out the pool and test out our Speedos. When we got down there, there were three chicks in bikinis in the hot tub, so Baumgartner and I decided we’d make a show of it. We dramatically stripped down to our Speedos and slowly made our way over to the pool. We jumped in and swam around for awhile, it was kind of fun to just relax in the water. A little while later, Fratea arrived, and told us he’d be down in a minute to go swimming. The coaches arrived not too long after, and came to the pool to talk to us, at which point the three of us decided to show off he Speedos some more. They were pretty impressed. We went up to Motts’s room after to discuss the order for our 200 Freestyle Relay, but didn’t stay long, because we would have to get up early the next morning. It was decided that Nick would lead off, followed by Baumgartner, myself, and finally Fratea as our anchor.

We went to bed, and slept until 5:00 AM Saturday morning. We all showered and packed up our bags and met everyone in the lobby for breakfast. Then we headed to UNH for warm-ups at 7:30 AM. Warm-ups went pretty well, and everyone was ready to swim. My first event was the 200 IM, which went pretty well. I was seeded 31st, so I didn’t expect to do much, but I did drop around two seconds and I’m pretty sure I placed 30th. My other individual event was the 100 Backstroke, which wasn’t until much later. The meet was fun to watch, there were lots of great swimmers there. I was seeded 15th in the 100 Backstroke, so I was kind of hoping that I could swim really well, and maybe make top 12 so I could come back and swim it again in Finals. My swim went pretty well; my stroke felt excellent, but my start and my turns weren’t all that great. I dropped more time, though, so that’s exciting. What didn’t please me, though, is that I ended up in 17th place. So, my individual swims were over, and I wouldn’t be coming back in either of them for finals. After preliminaries ended, we all went back to the hotel and got Subway for lunch. We tried to rest up during the break, but none of us did a very good job at this.

We returned to the college for finals, and when we got there we met the swimmers who had come up just for the relays. They were all pretty excited to be there, although they did seem a little nervous. Those of us who had swum in preliminaries were pretty tired, but we still had to swim our relays too, so we got back in the pool to warm-up. First we had the 200 Medley Relay, which we were originally seeded 11th in. The swim went pretty well, and I think we either dropped a little bit or gained a little bit of time, but either way we were right on our seed time. From what I heard, though we moved up a couple spots and placed 9th, but I never heard this for sure. I was disappointed with my leg of the relay, because I’ve done better, but overall it was really good. Nick and the FR had both made finals in their events, and they both swam really well, so I was happy for them. They both placed top six in one event, which qualifies them for New Englands. Also, the FR did a 1:02 in her 100 Backstroke, which I was pretty impressed with, she’s still about four seconds faster than I am at it. My next and final swim, though, was the 200 Freestyle Relay, which we were all pretty excited about, because we were seeded 9th, and we were all convinced we could drop some time. Things didn’t go exactly as we had planned, though. We dropped about a second off our seed time, but we should have done better. We placed 12th, and we weren’t exactly happy, because Nick had led off with, for him, a very slow leg of the relay. I don’t know what happened, but it’s hard to believe that if he had been swimming his hardest he would have gone that slowly. The time was good, though, and if we keep dropping, we’ll really have a shot at it next year. The other guys, including Martineau and the three freshmen who had come up just for the relay, finished off the night in style with a really impressive 400 Freestyle relay. I was really proud of them. I think the Monadnock guys’ team made the best showing it has ever made at States this year. At one point we were ranked 9th overall in the meet, but we didn’t finish there, I think we ended the night somewhere around 16th, but it’s still exciting to see what we’ve done, and where we’ve come from.

We finally left the college sometime around 10:30 PM and quite a few of us went to the Olive Garden for dinner. That was interesting, because we were all exhausted and a little crazy after being at the meet all day. The food was really good, but I had a really bad headache and my back was really bothering me. We then returned to the hotel and all went to bed. I slept pretty well, and we all got up pretty early this morning considering what we did yesterday. We went down for breakfast and then went to the pool to swim and hang out before leaving. Then we packed everything up and came home.

It was a good weekend, and excellent meet, and although compared to others in the state my times weren’t all that impressive, I’m proud of what I accomplished, and I’m amazed at how far I’ve come. No matter what, we got to swim this year, so it was much better than last year in that sense.

The Super Bowl is tonight, I’m picking the Steelers to win. Hopefully it’ll be a good game. School tomorrow…

Peace,
Justin

Changes

2006-01-29T22:17:00.000-05:00

Today I decided that it was time for some changes. I was getting tired of the black background. I decided to try something new. It's still simple, and that's how I like it, but it's brighter, and It's different. Hope everyone likes the new look.

Peace,
Justin

Returning

2006-01-29T22:04:00.000-05:00

Well, today marked a return, and it was a good thing to see, so I thought I'd write a short post on it. A man who goes to my church, who is in his early eighties, just recently got a knee replacement. It laid him up for quite awhile, because he got sick after the surgery, and had to stay in the hospital longer than expected, and then spent quite awhile with rehabilitation. His wife is someone who worries a lot, and it really brought her down, because she really depends on him, and wouldn't know what to do without him. The surgery took place back in November, though, so it has been quite a while. During that whole stretch of time neither of them made it to church, which is kind of too bad, because they both really enjoy the interaction and everything. In fact, he's the unofficial church photographer, and he'll do all kinds of odd jobs. They both really enjoy coming, so when they walked in the door today, everyone was really glad. It was really good for them to return. The first thing the man did was go around and get a hug from all of the women, and his wife just sat down in the their pew and shook her head. It was a really good thing to see. The best thing, though, was that he used to taking the collection on most Sundays, so when we got to the offering, the Reverend asked him if he wanted to do it. He was determined that he would, and he jumped right up and was ready to go. He's still using a cane, but he's come a long way, and it was good to see him back to his old duty. That's all, just a simple little thing that kind of inspired me.

Peace,
Justin

This Week

2006-01-27T22:32:00.000-05:00

Sitting at home on a Friday night when I really felt like going out and doing something. Oh well, I’m tired and lazy and cheap, so I decided to stay home. I couldn’t have been with the person I want to be with anyway, though, so it doesn’t really bother me. Since I’m here, I figured I might as well run down the happenings of the week.

We had the snow day Monday, and then Mid-Terms on Tuesday, which also happened to be a half-day. I got home at about quarter after noon, and loaded my ski stuff into the car and headed to Sunapee to try and get a couple of hours of good skiing in. I was on the mountain not long after 1:00 PM, so I was pretty happy. I got about three hours, and in that time I got quite a few runs, because there are no lines on Tuesdays. It really is awesome having a season pass, because you can just ski for a couple of hours and you haven’t put down fifty bucks for it. Definitely worth it, even though this hasn’t been the greatest season for skiing due to some unusual weather. I had a good time; the conditions weren’t too bad considering the weather, just a little rough from being skied all day before me. I did manage to have a pretty incredible fall, though. I lost both skis and slid backwards and upside down quite a ways down the mountain before I managed to stop. Then I had to hike back up a ways to get my skis and I was pretty shaken up. I don’t know how I didn’t hurt myself, because I was going pretty quickly. I left a little before closing and drove home, although I was a little worried I was going to fall asleep, because I was drifting a little on the road. I did get home safely, though, and at a pretty decent time. I went to bed relatively early, because the final meet of the season was the following day.

I got up Wednesday morning and I didn’t want to go to school and take two Mid-Terms, but I did, because that’s just the way I am. The exams went pretty well in my opinion, but I was kind of nervous about the meet, because we were facing Conant again, and they’re by far our closest competitors. I really wanted to beat them this time, because we’d already had two close losses to them on the season. Again, my backstroke race looked pretty important, because two of their best swimmers were doing it. I didn’t feel all that great, and I think it’s because I hadn’t eaten enough, but I did what I could. No personal bests on the day, nothing two horrible, but I didn’t do anything amazing either. Our relay took second place against Keene for both the Medley and the Freestyle, which was a good sign. I won my heat of the 200 IM, but placed 5th overall and I didn’t drop any time like I wanted to. The race I wanted to do the best in, though, was the 100 Backstroke, and it was probably my worst event on the night. I was off of my time by over a second, but the good news is I did beat one of the Conant swimmers. Probably the most exciting part of the meet, though, was that Martineau qualified for States in the 100 Free with a 59.98, only seven hundredths of a second off my time. I was really excited for him, because he was close in quite a few events, and being a senior this was his last chance. I was really happy for him, and it helped me not feel so bad about my swims. The other really exciting thing, though, is that we did finally beat Conant, and this time by 20 points, which is pretty incredible. All of the seniors were honored, and all of the coaches ended up in the pool at the end of the meet, so it was a fun way to end the regular season.

Thursday I got my Mid-Term exam grades, and I was extremely surprised with how well I did on everything. I got a 92 on the Chemistry exam, a 94 on the English exam, a 95 on the Pre-Calculus exam, a 98 on the Keyboarding exam, and a 98 on the AP Spanish exam. This was by far the best I’ve ever done on exams. So all of my classes are going really well except for AP History, which I’m not doing well in at all. Not sure what I’m going to do to turn things around, but something’s got to happen. I’m not learning anything, and I’m not motivated enough to teach myself the history of the United States, it’s not something that matters a whole lot to me. Also, yesterday the entries for the State Meet were due, so I stayed after to talk to Motts about who’s doing what and who else is going for relays. Well, it’s been decided, I’m doing the 200 IM and the 100 Backstroke as my two events for States. The IM I’m not very excited about, but that’s okay, I’ll do it, and we’ll see what I can do. Nick and Fratea are also doing the IM, but they’re each doing the 100 Butterfly, while Baumgartner is sticking to the Freestyle sprints. We’re doing both of the 200 Yard relays, and hopefully we’ll do well in them. Motts decided that since Martineau qualified that he’d take a B team, and it’s going to be three freshman: Tommila, Geheran, and Upright, so it should be pretty exciting for all of them. The FR is the only girl that qualified, and she’ll be doing the 200 Freestyle and 100 Backstroke, so hopefully she’ll do well. Motts is taking four girls to run a relay without the FR, and they’ll be Elliott, Bisson, Ellis, and Baumgartner. They’re not going to do anything too exciting in the standings, but I’m glad they’re going, it should be a good experience no matter what.

We also had a band concert last night, which wasn’t anything special, it was short, so I’m not going to complain too much. I really don’t enjoy band that much, but luckily sitting next to Manzi and Baumgartner we manage to make it pretty funny, and it is the only class I have with some people, so I guess it’s not as bad as it seems. I’d miss getting to see some of those people if I didn’t have band with them. I was really tired, though, so I didn’t want to play at all. I fell asleep in the car on the way there, luckily I didn’t manage to convince mother not to go, because I probably wouldn’t have been up to driving myself home.

Today was an okay day. It was a little weird, because the week has been so messed up, and because we had a Pep Rally today, they switched 2nd and 7th Periods, which made things confusing. We really only had one day this week with a regular schedule, and that was yesterday, and it didn’t feel all that normal. The Pep Rally was absolutely pathetic, I’m not going to lie, I was pretty disappointed. I ended up getting my chest painted again, I got to be the “J” in JUNIORS, so that was kind of fun, it always is, and at the very end, there was a competition where a group from each class had to try and make every letter in the alphabet with their bodies. I ended up representing my class, and we did a pretty good job, in fact we won. It was a heck of a workout, but I thought it was pretty fun. Then I got to ride the bus home, which is never a good time. It seriously gets me down every time. Since then I haven’t done a whole lot, downloaded some music, watched some lame television shows, and completed one of those stupid addicting Sudoku puzzles. Now I’m just waiting to talk to the person I wanted to be with tonight.

Peace,
Justin

Saturday, etc...

2006-01-23T11:49:00.000-05:00

Well, this post is going to be mainly about Saturday, which was another amazing day. We had a meet at Colby-Sawyer College against Hollis-Brookline, Goffstown, Kearsarge, John Stark, and Stevens that started at 11:00 AM. This meant we had to be at the school at 7:30 AM for the bus to go to Colby-Sawyer, so I had to get up at 6:30 AM and drive to the school. We had a good bus ride over, good time to get pumped up for a meet. We got there kind of early, which isn't a bad thing, because it gave us plenty of time to look around and check the place out. It is a beautiful pool, I am extremely jealous. Fratea, Baumgartner, Martineau, and I found out there was a small room in the locker room that said AWAY TEAM on the door, so we decided to take it over. That was kind of cool, because we got our privacy, the whole room to ourselves. When we went out on deck we were all pretty amazed, because it really is an awesome pool. The two parts that impressed me the most were that there was natural lighting from windows around the pool, and the ventilation system. The atmosphere felt so much healthier and more pleasant than what we're used to at Keene State. Don't get me wrong I'm not going to complain about Keene State's pool, it's definitely still one of the nicer ones I've seen for a High School team, but this pool was absolutely gorgeous. So that was a positive sign to begin with, because you always seem to do better in the nicer pools. We had plenty of room on deck which was also very nice. Before the meet stared, Baumgartner and I came up with a new cheer, which is pretty hilarious.

Row, row, row your boat,
Gently down the lane,
Don't forget to flip your turn,
Or we'll yell out our name:
MONADNOCK!

Warm-ups went pretty well, I was feeling good about the pool, and I was feeling good about my swimming. It's weird, I can generally tell in warm-ups whether I'm going to have a good meet, so I was pretty happy that I felt good. The blocks are really nice too, higher than what we're used to, even though that can cause some adjustment issues. The one thing that worried me was that the Backstroke start bar was awfully high, and caused you to place your feet on the very slipper metal lip to the gutter. I asked the FR what she thought about his and she suggested placing my hands on the gutter instead of the bar. I thought this sounded like a good idea and I used it.

My first event was the 200 Yard Medley Relay, as usual, with me leading off with Backstroke. The difference this time, though, was that we didn't have Nick Hall, so Fratea was going to do the Butterfly leg, and Tommila was doing the Freestyle leg for us. We did pretty well even without Nick. Our time was a 2:03.24, which I was pretty happy with. I felt kind of bad for Tommila, though, because he's only a Freshman, and he kind of felt like he needed to fill Nick's shoes. That would have been difficult to do, so I was pretty impressed with what he did, and I hope he realizes that he did a pretty decent job. My next event wasn't for awhile, but Baumgartner swam the 200 Yard Freestyle and qualified for States in it, and Fratea swam the 200 Yard IM and qualified in that. After awhile we got to the 100 Yard Butterfly, which was what I was swimming, even though I had never swum it before in competition. I felt pretty prepared for it, though, and I had a good feeling about it. I went out hard, and my stroke broke down a little towards the end, but it felt good the whole way. I needed to go 1:12.99 to qualify for States and I went 1:10.98. Not too bad considering it's not my stroke. I did, however, feel really bad for Martineau, because he had gone a 1:13 earlier this season, so he definitely had hopes of qualifying this meet, but instead he added like 5 seconds. Then I only had a short time to prepare for the 500 Yard Freestyle. Luckily I didn't feel too tired after the Butterfly, because I knew I'd need a lot of energy for the 500. The last time I had swum the 500 was at the first meet of the season, when I went somewhere around a 6:45. The State cut time is 6:18.99, so I had an awful lot of time to drop. But I didn't see it as an impossibility, so I asked the FR to be my counter, and I asked her to stay on top of me and make me qualify, because I was pretty sure I could do it after the huge drop I'd made in the 200 Freestyle at the last meet. It felt awfully good, and as soon as I hit the wall I asked the timers how I'd done. The replied that I'd gone a 6:16.17. I was so excited, I couldn't even believe that I had done it, that I had dropped about half of a minute. I had lapped a couple of the other swimmers so I had time to just tread water and loosen up a little bit. While I was doing this, Kierstin, who was waiting behind the blocks for the next event asked me how I had done, and I told her that I'd qualified. I think she was pretty amazed, because all she pretty much told me that she hated me and that I make her sick, haha. No, everyone was wicked excited for me, and I really appreciate all of the support I've gotten from the team this year. The team is great, seriously. My final event of the meet was the 400 Yard Freestyle Relay. Motts had split up the relays in a rather interesting manner, since we didn't have Nick, so I wasn't with any of the typical A team. I was the lead-off leg, and I went out with a split somewhere around a minute, completely blowing everyone else away and giving my relay team a huge lead to work with. They did really well and held onto the lead against all but one of the other teams. I was really happy.

It was a great meet, and I still can't believe how well I did, just how much I've improved this year, it's incredible. As we were walking out to the bus, Motts came over to us and showed us the results. As if the day could get any better, we discovered that the guy's team had won the meet, beating all 5 of the teams we had faced, and that the girls' team had only lost to Hollis-Brookline. By far the best meet of the season for our team as a whole. This improved the guy's team record to 17-10, so no matter what we're guy's a better than .500 season, a winning record. We were all wicked excited with this news. We all got on the bus and proceeded to McDonald's for lunch. This didn't really excite me, because I don't really do the whole McDonald's/Burger King/Wendy's scene, but that's okay. I got a salad and a milkshake. We ate on the bus, and had a good ride home, even though we were all exhausted. Somehow on the bus, it came up that my back-windshield wiper/washer is broken, and so when you press the WASH button, it just sprays the fluid directly backward. So when we got to the school everyone wanted to see this. It was hilarious, it sprays quite a distance, and everyone was jealous. Then I drove home.

We went to the India Pavilion for dinner. I was feeling like something exotic, so that was fun. That place seriously must be close to closing, there was like nobody there. Oh well, they make good food. Then we came home and I spent much of the evening talking to Stacie. That was really good, and I'm feeling a lot better about everything, so Saturday was an amazing day all around. I had a great day.

Yesterday was Sunday, so we went to church in the morning. Then we watched football for much of the day. I called both games, the Steelers and the Seahawks both won. Then I had practice last night. We worked pretty hard, but luckily not too hard, because my body still ached, and still does ache, from the meet. Not too much else went on yesterday.

Today is a snow day, so I'm just relaxing and enjoying the day off.

Peace,
Justin

This Is Frustration

2006-01-19T21:22:00.000-05:00

Last night, after an evening filled with thought, I got this horrible feeling deep down within me. I couldn't figure out what had prompted me to think what I was thinking, but I decided I should write it down. At the time I simply typed it up as it came and it's not written in a very sensible sequence or structure, so what I'd like to do in this post is rewrite that which came to me last night, and make it ready for the rest of the world to read and interpret.

I just got this really sick feeling deep down inside of me, and I have no idea why. Basically what I began to feel was that no matter what, there is no way that everything is going to work out. There is always going to be something that gets to me. There is always going to be something wrong, something that I just can't fix, something that prevents me from being completely happy. There is no way around it, that's just how it is, that's just how it always will be. No matter how many times I change, no matter how many times I find a new way to look at things, no matter what other people do for me, things are not going to work out for me. Things are just not going to come together in a way in which they can remain, ever. There will always be at least one thing, because everything cannot all be right at the same time. I'm not going to be happy. I'm not going to be content with how things are. From time to time I may think that I've discovered a way to change this, I know, because it's happened to me on a couple of occasions. From time to time I'm going to start to believe that things have finally changed, that everything's going to be alright, and that everything is finally working out. But in the end, everything's just going to fall apart again, everything's going to go right back to the way it was before. Only now it's going to be worse, because I'll have one more thing to regret messing up, one more thing that I thought was the answer to all of my problems. But each time I'll have been mistaken. I will have been fooled into thinking that maybe things could get better, that maybe something was finally changing, and that maybe, just maybe, I'd finally figured things out. Then something will happen, things will change, and everything will fall apart. Sometimes it will be my fault, sometimes it will be somebody else's, but every time, it's going to happen, and every time, it's going to feel horrible. I just can't ever keep everything stable, I just can't ever make everything right, it just can't happen, I'm not meant to have that, I'm not meant to find that happiness.

This is frustration. This is what I feel.

How can I possibly continue to look forward? How can I continue to hope that sooner or later it's all going to work out, when deep down inside of me, I have a horrible feeling that it never will? How can I continue to ask myself if maybe this is the time, this is it, it's finally happening, when I have this sickening feeling that it never will? How can I continue to think that it could be happening to me? How can I continue to even try to make it happen? When I know that every time I get my hopes up, every time I start to wonder, every time I start to think that maybe this is it, I'm going to fall flat on my face. It's not going to happen to me, so how can I continue to hope that it will? How do I keep getting back up and trying again?

This is frustration. This is what I feel.

Peace,
Justin

Going A Little Further

2006-01-18T20:45:00.000-05:00

This is a selection from a book that the guy I mentioned in the previous post reccomended to me. I found it in a review of the book on Amazon, and after reading this selection, I'm convinced that this is a book I should look into reading. There's a lot in what this part says alone.

"SO MANY OF US LIVE OUR LIVES AS IF THE SECRET PURPOSE IS TO SOMEHOW GET EVERYTHING DONE....OFTEN WE CONVINCE OURSELVES THAT OUR OBSESSION WITH OUR "TO DO" LIST IS ONLY TEMPORARY--THAT ONCE WE GET THROUGHT THE LIST, WE'LL BE CALM, RELAXED AND HAPPY. BUT IN REALITY, THIS RARELY HAPPENS. AS ITEMS ARE CHECKED OFF, NEW ONES SIMPLY REPLACE THEM. THE NATURE OF YOUR "IN BASKET" IS THAT IT'S MEANT TO HAVE ITEMS TO BE COMPLETED IN IT--IT'S NOT MEANT TO BE EMPTY....REMEMBER THAT NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR OWN SENSE OF HAPPINESS AND INNER PEACE AND THAT OF YOUR LOVED ONES. IF YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH GETTING EVERYTHING DONE, YOU'LL NEVER HAVE A SENSE OF WELL-BEING! IN REALITY, ALMOST EVERYTHING CAN WAIT...THE PURPOSE OF LIFE ISN'T TO GET IT ALL DONE BUT TO ENJOY EACH STEP ALONG THE WAY AND LIVE A LIFE FILLED WITH LOVE."

Peace,
Justin

Wednesday

2006-01-18T20:33:00.000-05:00

Today we had a two-hour delay of school due to rain. I really don't understand how we can be getting so much rain at this time of the year, I mean it's January. This is kind of disappointing, because I want to go skiing, and this rain is destroying all of the snow, not that the unseasonably high temperatures aren't doing that by themselves. We have definitely had enough rain, though, after the flooding this fall, I would have thought we'd gotten our fair share of it, but apparently we're not done yet. As much as I hate this weather, I did at least enjoy getting the extra two hours of sleep. Besides that it wasn't a very exciting day.

One interesting little bit of information, Nick Hall is leaving for Canada and won't be back until early next week. He's going to be competing in the Quebec Cup for swimming, which I think is pretty exciting. This means he'll be missing our meet on Saturday, though, which isn't great for the team, but I think we'll do alright without him. I think Mike Martineau will probably fill in Nick's spot on our relay team, which isn't a bad thing, because he has gotten very good in a very short period of time, and will definitely be a reasonable substitute. It should be interesting to see how we do, I don't know what I'm swimming yet, but hopefully I'll have another fun meet, since I've already qualified for the State Meet in 4 events. I was thinking it might be fun to try the 100 Butterfly, but I haven't mentioned it to Motts yet. Whatever the case, I'm not too worried about how we do either way, because we have mid-terms this week, and that's what I should be focusing on. I would like to wish Nick good luck this week, it's nice to have him there representing us. I really do hope he does well, because I think he's been struggling lately, and therefore could use a bit of a pick-me-up. I think some strong times at this meet would do a lot for him, so I definitely want him to succeed this weekend.

Also related to swimming, I got a chance to talk to one of the guys that used to help Jack out with the Gators while he was still going to Keene State College. A couple of summers ago he was doing much of the coaching and worked a lot with me. We got along pretty well and I still get to talk to him from time to time. He's been traveling the world since he graduated from college, which makes conversation generally rather interesting. Right now he's living in Seoul, Korea, where he's teaching English. From the sound of it, he's living rather comfortably and really enjoying himself, which I think is absolutely fantastic. He teaches from noon to 5:00 PM and is making around $2,500 a month tax-free, along with around $1,500 a month from private lessons. Life sounds pretty good to me. It's really interesting talking to him, because he seems to have learned a lot from his time away from the States. In his opinion Americans take life way too seriously, and care way too much about everything. His explanation makes sense, and I can definitely tell that he's really happy with the changes he's found outside of the United States. He said a couple of things that I found rather amusing, so I think I'll put them in here. On Americans: "In America, if we stub our toe we have to post it in our blog." Also, upon reading some of what I'd written on this site, he said: "You're too smart for New Hampshire." He's a really great guy, It's nice catching up with him from time to time, always an interesting conversation.

On an entirely different note, I've been thinking again, what a surprise. Some of it was prompted by our conversation, and how we care so much about everything and take everything awfully seriously. Like he said, that doesn't mean you should stop caring about everything, but it makes you think, especially when you think about all of the little things that can upset you. I know I let an awful lot of stupid little things get to me, and sometimes they can be the reason why I have a bad day. That's when I try to put things in perspective, because I know that most of those things really don't matter in the grand scheme of things. But I think there's a delicate balance between caring too much and caring too little. It's hard to find that gray area in between the two extremes. Generally we're on one end or the other. One of my goals is to find a way to bring my life into that center region and care just enough about everything appropriate to its magnitude and effect on my life, my well-being, and my happiness. Some aspects of our lives need a lot more attention than others, and lots of times we give to much attention to the wrong ones. It's something we all do, but I'd like to try and correct it, because some things matter much more than others. And I don't want to judge the importance of things by what I'm told, or what others have believed, I want to find out on my own. I want to judge each thing for myself and rank them in my life accordingly.

I haven't been doing very well at this lately. I haven't been giving the right amount of attention to the things that matter. Actually, I haven't been giving the right amount of attention to much of anything. I need to try to balance things, and figure out what matters to me, but it's really a difficult task, and sadly, it isn't always completely up to me. A lot of things that I don't really care about have found a way to take up my time and energy in ways that they should never be allowed to. It bothers me most when I have no control over the things that are taking up my time, but I guess that's just part of life. Which makes me wonder if maybe I'll never be able to achieve my goal of finding and implementing a balance into my life. I'm not giving up, though. Hopefully I'll be able to figure this out, and give the things that matter what they deserve.

Time is such a valuable thing, why is it so difficult to manage?

Peace,
Justin

"It helps to write it down, even when you then cross it out." -- Nada Surf

Maybe It Could Be Better

2006-01-17T20:22:00.000-05:00

Follow the road,
Follow the signs.
Follow the warnings,
Follow the rules.
Do everything just how it's always been done.
I don't want to.
I'm tired of doing it your way,
I'm tired of doing it the way.
I don't know any different,
Nobody does.
It's the life I've grown to know.
It's all I've ever known.
But what if there's something better?
What if there's a better way?

Forget your road,
Forget your signs.
Forget your warnings,
Forget your rules.
Do everything a new way.
That's what I want to do.
I want to try a new way,
I want to do things my way.
I don't know how that is,
But I'd like to learn, to teach myself.
Try something new, a change.
Maybe things could change,
Maybe life could be different.
Maybe it could be better.

Peace,
Justin

Let Go...

2006-01-16T20:30:00.000-05:00

The summer retreat for so many, where the land meets the sea.

Step off the walk and onto the soft, sun-warmed sand,
Feel it between your toes.

Approach the water and slip deeper into the sand,
Feel the mud cool your feet.

Stand there, the breeze comes in off of the sea,
Feel it cool your face.

With the breeze comes some salt spray,
Feel it sting your eyes.

The sun beats down from high above, an orange orb,
Feel it burn your skin.

Walk a little farther, into the water,
Feel the waves wash up your legs.

Dive in and let the salt-water encompass you,
Feel how it cools your body.

This is why you came, the deep, healing, relaxing environment,
Feel not the cares of the world.

Let go...

Peace,
Justin

Anyone?

2006-01-16T16:57:00.000-05:00

Why do I think so much about everything?

It's a curse.

Peace,
Justin

I'm Still Here

2006-01-16T16:04:00.000-05:00

It's been an awfully long time since I've posted anything. It's been an awfully long time since I've completed a poem, and it's been an awful long time since I've just written about what's going on in my life. A lot has happened, and I can't even begin to put it all into words, nor can I remember everything that has taken place. I wish I had taken the time out of my busy days to just put something in here, because this really is a record of who I am, and what's going on. I'm also a little disappointed in the drought of completed poetry. I've written some different things here and there on scrap sheets of paper, but I haven't been able to make anything final. Partly because I don't really understand what I'm feeling anymore and I don't know how to express it, and partly because I just haven't had the time to sit down and work on anything for very long. I've fallen behind in a lot of things, though, not just my writing. Not a whole lot seems to be working besides swimming right now. Last week, I pretty much decided to ditch everything else, and just focus on that, which brought a lot of ups and downs, and has given me a lot to do this weekend in catching up. I guess that's alright, the success I achieved in swimming this week is worth almost any amount of work to me.

This season holds special importance due to how the last season ended, and so far it has more than made up for what happened last year. As of now I have qualified for the State Meet in four events: the 100 Yard Backstroke, the 200 Yard Individual Medley, the 200 Yard Freestyle, and finally the 100 Yard Freestyle. Last year I only qualified in one event, so I'm really excited about what I've accomplished. The one thing, though, that I am probably the most excited about is that at last Tuesday's meet, I broke the Monadnock Boy's School Record in the 100 Yard Backstroke. This is short and sweet but this is what the season has added up to so far, and I guess it's all that really matters. I've worked really hard, and the rewards as usual have been huge. I really don't know what I'd do if I didn't have swimming. It's probably the most important aspect of my life right now, and it's the only thing that has kept my head up.

This is 2006, it's a new year, and when it began, I had great hopes that it would be an amazing year. So far, in every respect except swimming, it has not lived up to expectations. This is rather disappointing, because I really thought this was going to be my year; I know there is plenty of time left, though, and that I shouldn't give up on it yet, but so far things are not going smoothly for me. I just don't know what to think. It had the makings of being amazing, everything was in place, and then coming back to school to begin the new year, I realized that things had changed. Whether it be my fault or not, things have changed, and I guess I shouldn't be surprised, it was bound to happen. Good things don't seem to last. I haven't given up, but I also have begun to doubt that things will work themselves out and that everything will all be great in the end. They never have been in the past, why should anything change now?

How different things are since the last time I posted in here. I shouldn't have let this much time pass, this is where I tell myself what's going on, this is where I try to make sense of things, and although I'm constantly thinking, this is where my thoughts come together.

It's weird how once you discover something you've never had, when it feels like it's slipping away, you don't know what to do. Fear sets in, and you begin to wonder how you will go on without what you've been given. But you were fine before, you were doing fine without it, why shouldn't you be able to handle it now? Once you've had a taste though, you don't want to give it up. Again, I'm worrying; I'm putting myself without that which I haven't already lost, or have I? It's hard to tell, it really is. Is it my fault? I don't know, but if it is, how could I have done this to myself? But on the other hand, what was I thinking? I had been doing perfectly fine, nothing was wrong, I had finally decided that things were going to fine. Then I changed. Why did I change? I changed for the worse, in hopes of finding better. And I did find better, but it hasn't lasted, and I'm back to where I was, but now I want something, something I didn't need before, but I feel like I do now. I know I don't, but what does it matter anyway? I don't have any of the answers, I never did, I only thought I did, I made everything up for the position I was in, and it worked. It's not working anymore, though. Forgive my rambling, as I stated earlier, I don't really know what I'm feeling, this is just a weak attempt at figuring things out.

I hope this week will be a better week, and that all of my fears will be put to rest. I feel small and alone. Don't leave me here in the dark. If it's time for me to go, it's time for you to tell me. I know you say it isn't, but you can't tell me this is the same. And maybe it's your fault, and maybe it's mine, but something has happened, and things have changed. Put my fears to rest, or tell me to go. The choice is yours and the reason is yours, because I have none. I can't find any answer, maybe there is none.

That's all I have right now, I'll try to write more, obviously I need to, but it's hard to treat a wound if you don't know where it is.

Peace,
Justin

"...I urge you to use all of your days thinking of peace and love, and to turn your thoughts into words and to let your voice be heard. There is no war going on in the world that is justified, none of this. We love you, thank you for coming." -- The Red Hot Chili Peppers - Live in Hyde Park

Friday Through Tuesday

2005-12-20T18:44:00.000-05:00

Well, I had another good weekend, and today wasn’t half bad either. We got Friday off again for our second snow day of the season. It wasn’t a very exciting day, but it was good to get another day of rest and relaxation. Four day weeks aren’t that bad, I think it’d make a school a little easier to deal with if that’s how it always was, but I don’t see anything changing there. I didn’t sleep as late as I usually do on snow days, so I wish I’d made better use of the time. Spent most of the day on the computer, the majority of the time I worked on a video of all of my pictures from Mexico, finally getting somewhere with it, I seriously just need to sit down and do it, it’s really close. Then once I’d had just about enough of that I had to go shovel. So I got rehired to do the church’s shoveling. I was doing it a couple of years ago, and then we just decided it was too much of a hassle and so I asked them to try and find someone else. Well, they never really did, and though I wasn’t getting paid anymore I ended up doing much of it anyways for the past couple of years. I didn’t really like this arrangement, since I was doing the same work, just not getting paid for it anymore, so now I’m back on the payroll and so I had to go there Friday evening. The roads were a little slick, and got a little confused with the four-wheel-drive, but all went well, got there and back safely. When I got home I helped mother finish up our shoveling, and that was that. Then I spent much of the evening talking to Stacie, so the day ended well.

Saturday morning was our second Swim Meet of the season, but luckily this one wasn’t quite as early as the previous one. I got up around 8:00 AM, which was about when mother left to go get our Christmas tree and then she had to go to the Library for a meeting. That meant I had to drive myself to the College to get there in time for warm-ups, and mother would get there in time for the start of the Meet. I didn’t expect the roads to still be slick, but I definitely misjudged the wonders of nature on that. Not too far up Bingham Hill the sun popped out from behind the trees and blinded me, and as I reached for the visor I guess I hit some slush or ice on the side of the road. This sent me into oncoming traffic so I spun the wheel, and spun out into the snow bank back on the right side of the road. That shook me up a bit, but I whipped it into reverse, backed out of the snow, and continued on my way. No damage done; the Jeep is pretty rugged, though, so no surprise there.

I got to the College in one piece with plenty of time before warm-ups, got changed and proceeded to the deck. Warm-ups started at 10:00 AM, and since we got 4 lanes, Motts had the veterans do a pretty decent warm-up, and that pretty much tired me out. Also, I couldn’t really eat anything in the morning, so that didn’t help me; kind up upsetting, because I know I need the energy, but I also don’t want to throw up. As usual the Meet started with the 200 Yard Medley Relay, which is always a fun event since we’ve got such a strong relay team right now; however, this time we did switch things up a little, so that Nick swam the Breaststroke and Mike swam the Butterfly. My lead-off leg kept us in it, but I didn’t drop any time, which was kind of upsetting; I went a 32.19, just a little slower than my time from the last meet. The others did their job, though, and we dropped another couple of seconds off of our time, good for another school record of 2:01.79, but a disappointing 5th place finish. I followed up the relay with the 200 Yard Freestyle, which is my favorite event, but I hadn’t swum it in competition for awhile, so I really had no idea where I’d be. I had hopes of qualifying for states in it, since my personal best from last spring was only a couple of seconds off of this year’s cut time. Sadly, though, I wasn’t able to pull it off. I finished with a 2:24.64, good for another disappointing place, 7th, but since it was out of 13 swimmers I guess I shouldn’t feel too bad. The state qualifying cut is 2:22.89, so I’m close; in a couple of meets I should have it. Another positive thing is that two of our new swimmers swam the event with me, and were able to beat out two swimmers from Hollis-Brookline, so I’m pretty happy with their finish. Then came the lengthy break in the middle of the meet where I don’t really take a part, since I don’t usually get to do the Freestyle sprints, but that’s okay, that’s not where the team needs me. We did do one thing differently this meet, though; my relay team swam the 200 Freestyle Relay instead of the 400 Yard Freestyle. We all did fairly well, but I’m still not the greatest 50 Freestyle swimmer on the planet. We finished with a very strong 1:46.45, which was good for 3rd place, and I’m pretty sure another school record. I really do love our relay team, because we’ve done so well this year, taking all of the relay records, and continuing to drop our own times. Also, if any of you remember what we went through last year, you’ll understand how important it is to us to do well. I love those guys, we really want to do something this year, and if we keep up the way we’re going, we might just have a chance at showing the state that Monadnock has four guys who love this sport, and we aren’t the “no-shows” that we got labeled last year. This means so much to me, because we need to show everyone that we’re coming back from last year, and we’re going to fight.

Directly after the relay I had to prepare for the 100 Yard Backstroke. I already qualified in the event at the previous meet, but it’s my strongest event right now, and that’s where I’m going to get the team points. Also, if I can continue to drop my time, I have a chance at taking Nick’s school record in it from last season. This is a goal of mine for the season, to drop the minimum of 4 seconds that I need to take the record. I know it doesn’t mean much since Monadnock’s team is so young, but it’s something I want to do. So anyways, my swim went alright, the turns are still a little weak, and the finish was one of the worst finishes I’ve ever had, but I did drop a couple fractions of a second, with a time of 1:12.05, and a 5th place finish. I was only .45 seconds off of 3rd place, though, and I know I could have taken it if I had completed a successful finish, so that was extremely upsetting for me. I really feel like I let a lot of people, especially myself, because I’m one of the veterans now, and I’m a captain, and I just know I could have done better. So I was pretty down on myself about all of that, but whatever, it happens, and I’ll just do better next time. Everyone’s been wicked supportive, and I know nobody on the team holds it against me; half of them probably don’t have a clue what happened anyway, but it’s nice to know that I could have a wicked bad race and they wouldn’t give me a hard time at all, not that I wouldn’t give myself a hard enough time for everyone, but that’s okay. Also, it was really nice to have Stacie there, even if she did skip practice to be there... I know how much she cares, and so having that someone there who’s pulling for you, it’s just an awesome feeling. Overall it was a good meet, most of the rookies dropped a lot of time, and everyone’s coming along. I love the team and I love the sport.

After the meet, Stacie waited for me, and I drove with her back to her place to hang out. We watched the end of the Patriots game, which is always a good time, well, as long as they win, and they did win. Then we watched The Fantastic Four, which is a pretty sweet movie, I enjoyed it, and we had pizza at one point or another. We followed this up with Constantine, which was a pretty ridiculous movie. It was well done, but I didn’t really understand a lot of what was going on, so I didn’t really give all of my attention to it. It was just nice to spend the time with Stacie. Then Nick and Joe came, because they wanted to go to the school and trash Kelli’s car while she was at the Christmas show. They hung out for a while there, and then we said we’d meet them at the school. Well, they took a pretty long time getting there, so now car-trashing took place, but that’s alright. Not long after we got there Monkton and Manzi drove in, so that was pretty funny. Manzi’s new car is pretty sweet, but it’s a grandma car; it was pretty funny, though, because he set off the car alarm and just let it go for awhile in the parking lot. Then some kid drove in the parking lot and started doing donuts as we just stood there watching. It was a pretty good show, and we were all laughing pretty hard. When he left Monkton decided he’d like to try, so the four of us got in his piece of junk and we got a short ride in the parking lot. Everyone finally showed up, though, and we just hung out in the parking lot for awhile. At about 10:20 PM we left the school, because I needed to get Stacie home by 10:30 PM. We got there at 10:29 PM, so I was pretty impressed with myself. We talked for awhile there, and it was a pretty decent time. I definitely had a great time, but then I had to drive home to Gilsum, alone; that wasn’t very fun, but oh well, it was a really good day.

As soon as I got home I just crashed and slept until about 9:00 AM Sunday morning when mother woke me up. Then I got ready and we went to church. Nothing very exciting there, just my weekly hour to just sit there and think about stuff like that, which is pretty much what I always do. As if I don’t think enough, but oh well. We returned home about noon, and I pretty much wasted the rest of the day. I should have gotten more of my homework done, but I didn’t. We had practice Sunday night, worked hard on starts, turns, and finishes. I pretty much spent the entire time on Backstroke, since those aspects are what cost me the race on Saturday. It went pretty well, and I worked really hard, and although practice was supposed to end at 9:00 PM, I didn’t even get out of the pool until after 9:15 PM, the last one in the pool. No one can say I don’t put in the time. Another interesting aspect of practice, though, Motts announced the results of Saturday’s meet, and as it turns out, we actually did pull of some wins. The girls’ team won one against Stevens, and the guys’ team won against Stevens, Hollis-Brookline, and Kearsarge. This was pretty exciting news, and it brings our record up to 3-4 on the season, it’ll be interesting to see how we finish the season. Again, congratulations to everyone who swam on Saturday, it was a great meet, and everyone should be wicked proud of what they’ve accomplished. I returned home, talked to Stacie for awhile, finished my homework, and went to bed.

Monday, wasn’t very exciting. Mondays usually aren’t, but we did have practice, and again, we got a lot accomplished. Only problem is, we also had practice this morning, and it was quite rough getting up this morning after last night’s practice. Worked hard again this morning, and I definitely was feeling it. The backstroke’s definitely coming along; I’m really excited about how much time I’m getting to spend on it. Hopefully that’s going to be where I help the team out the most. Nothing too exciting happened today, but I did stay after and help Motts and Erik work on the line-up for tomorrow’s meet at Conant. It’s going to be a really interesting meet, because we put all of our time into making a line-up that can beat Conant. We’re really closely matched teams, and our goal is to win, so we basically set up the line-up so that our four best guy swimmers are spread out the best way we can be to take the most points. It really is going to be interesting to see what happens, because there’s a lot depending on how well the four of us can swim. I’m actually a little nervous, because what I need to do is win the 100 Yard Backstroke, but their Backstroke guy has a little better time than I do, so it’s going to take everything I’ve got to beat him. I’m definitely feeling the pressure. Also, it’s vital that our relays do well, because especially in the Medley Relay, our time is almost identical to theirs. It’s going to take an awful lot to take them, but hopefully we can pull it off. Luckily I’m a bit more confident about that one, because my 50 Yard Backstroke split is better than their Backstroker’s split in the relay. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens, though. Mother picked up a little after 4:00 PM this afternoon, and we came home. I just had a big dinner, hopefully it’ll help me tomorrow, and now I have an English essay to write. I think I covered quite a bit in this entry; hopefully it covers all of the important issues that have taken place over the past few days. Thanks to all those who made it a good weekend, and who’ve made life just a bit more enjoyable.

Peace,
Justin

PS: My entry is way longer. I definitely win.

It's a Beautiful Thing

2005-12-13T21:37:00.000-05:00

It’s a beautiful thing,
That the smile on your face,
Can light up the room,
And make everything alright.

It’s a beautiful thing,
That when you laugh,
It can brighten up the day,
And make everything alright.

It’s a beautiful thing,
That when you’re sad,
I can cheer you up,
And make everything alright.

It’s a beautiful thing,
That no matter how you feel,
I know I can make you laugh,
And make everything alright.

Peace,
Justin

A Swimmer

2005-12-09T20:34:00.000-05:00

Swimming has taught me a lot about myself physically, mentally, and emotionally. It has become my escape and it has become my source of pleasure. I swim to heal and to push myself to the limit; I swim to find out who I am and what I can accomplish.

When I first came into the world of competitive swimming, I wasn’t an incredibly fast swimmer, nor was I all that competitive. I liked the water, and I needed to find a way to get in shape, a way to fit in, and a way to be an athlete. What I found included these things and a whole lot more. What I found was an entirely new world, a world that I can only penetrate in the water. I found a place to go when my everyday life closes in around me; I found a place that has brought me more pleasure than any one thing has ever brought me. The world of swimming has opened so many doors to me, and has also helped me through a lot. It has been a source of pride, and it has given me a sense of accomplishment and purpose; it has given me a way to feel fulfilled. Swimming has become one of the most important aspects of my life, and it has received an incredibly extensive amount of my attention. Swimming is my love; swimming is my life.

When I began to swim competitively, I didn’t really know what it meant to swim competitively, I just swam when I was told to swim and I loved every minute of it. As my swimming career progressed, I realized just how attached I had become, and just how much I desired to progress in the sport. And it wasn’t necessarily that I wanted to win, it wasn’t necessarily that I wanted to break records or reach the meets you have to qualify for, it was that I wanted to get better, I wanted to improve. All I ever wanted to do as a swimmer was to progress and fulfill my goals.

Slowly, though, my goals got higher, and my progress accelerated. As I continued to work harder, and as my experience increased, I began to improve, and I began to understand that I might have a chance of getting somewhere. The better I got, the better I wanted to get. I’ve never been more dedicated to a cause, as I have become to swimming. The harder I’ve worked, the harder I’ve become willing to work, because all of the effort I have put into swimming has been rewarded, and I have slowly improved.

Now, after years of hard-work and determination, I have become a relatively good swimmer. I have progressed into someone who knows what they’re doing in the pool, and I have become a role model for upcoming swimmers. The rewards have begun to outweigh all of the time and effort I have given to this sport. Although, everything I have put into swimming has been repaid with improved times and a feeling of personal accomplishment, one of the most amazing things that swimming has given me is the respect and appreciation of others. Swimming has given me something to be proud of.

I have accomplished so much through swimming, and as I look to someone to thank, I realize that I have but one person to thank. And that one person is myself. I could not have reached the heights that I have reached without the determination, dedication, and love that I have put into this sport. All I ever wanted to do was succeed as an athlete. With swimming, though, I feel like I have done so much more than succeed; with swimming, I feel as though I have found myself and learned more about living than any other aspect of life has ever taught me. And I have done this through myself. I have succeeded merely because I wanted to. I am a swimmer simply because I desired to become one.

“You can't put a limit on anything. The more you dream, the farther you get.”
-- Michael Phelps

Peace,
Justin

Friday

2005-12-09T17:34:00.000-05:00

Well, today was the first snow day of the winter, and it definitely came at both an excellent and a horrible time. I was pretty much exhausted last night and I wasn't really feeling very well, so today came as a much needed day of rest and relaxation. Today was also originally the date of our second swim meet, but that got cancelled for obvious reasons. That was kind of disappointing, I guess, because I love swimming and competing so much, but I love doing well even more, and since I wasn't in perfect health, I don't know how well I would have done. So I'm glad we had the day off, because I needed it, I'm disappointed we had the day off, because the swim meet got postponed. Hopefully it will get rescheduled, though, and my disappointment will have been for naught. We got an awful lot of snow today, more than 15 inches, but I couldn't get a good measurement.

I could have gone skiing today, but I decided that I needed the sleep and rest, and so I gave up an opportunity that I usually wouldn't, but it's a good thing. I really need to keep myself healthy, especially for swim season. I really think I can do something this year, I really think I can leave a mark, but I won't be able to if I get sick. I'm trying to eat a lot, and drink a lot to keep a steady flow of nutrients and everything else flowing through my body. Also, I've noticed how much more dry-land training is doing for me, and I'm actually gaining some muscle, though I'm still awfully skinny. So yah, all of that is why I stayed home today. I'm sure it would have been a great time, and I hate giving up chances to go skiing, especially since I only get to go from December to April, generally. That brings me to another thing, though, it looks as if I'll be going for the first time on Sunday. That should be a good time, I'm pretty sure I'm going with Baumgartner and Gail. We always have a great time, and they're good to go with, because they enjoy going fast, like me, and unlike mother. Haha.

Tomorrow I'm planning on going to the Keene State College home swim meet. That should be extremely interesting, and I hope to gain some ideas from it. I think it'll be quite enjoyable to watch, but it'll also be an excellent learning experience. I would love to continue swimming in college, but I know I need to do a lot of work before that can happen, luckily I've still got some time. It also depends on where I end up going, because a lot of colleges don't have male swim teams, or they're in a division that I simply cannot compete in. So I don't know if that dream will ever become a reality, but I at least need to figure out what I need to do to set it into action. We have practice tomorrow and Sunday evenings, so that should be good.

That's about all, it's been an extremely boring day, but I guess that's what I needed. Hopefully everyone has benefitted from the day off.

Peace,
Justin

The Climax

2005-12-05T21:36:00.000-05:00

I raise my flag,
I've reached the top,
And I like it here,
So I know I should stop.

To take in the air,
And glimpse the awesome sites,
So I'll remember where I am,
And forget my former plights.

But can we ever be fulfilled,
Once we reach the lofty summit?
Once we've raised our banner high,
Will we ever be truly happy with it?

We've reached the place we've searched for,
We've met our greatest goal,
But have we gotten what we wanted?
Have we filled the gaping hole?

I've gotten what I wanted,
And it has made everything much better,
But still I've got a lot to learn,
And much more to discover.

I still don't know all that much,
About who I am or why I'm here,
And I don't know if I ever will,
But it's never seemed so near.

Peace,
Justin

My Weekend

2005-12-05T16:59:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been an awful long time since I've written an entry devoted to what's going on in my life, it's been just poetry for some time now, but here's what's going on. Today was your typical Monday, except for the fact that it was a Monday after a fantastic weekend, that doesn't seem to happen very often. To begin with, Friday was the Monadnock Semi-Formal Dance. Usually dances are a good time, but this was probably the best dance I can remember. I drove to Stacie's beforehand for dinner. I got to meet her parents, too, and I would have to say that they're pretty funny. We had spaghetti, and afterwards we went to the dance. When we arrived it didn't look like many people were coming, because it was practically empty, but I guess it filled up pretty well. Hung out with everyone, rocked out as usual, just had a blast, but most importantly danced with Stacie. It was a really great time, and I'm wicked glad I had a date, and a pretty awesome one at that. After a great ending with "Stairway to heaven," we went out to Applebee's with Baumgartner and Ashley, but we only got drinks. It was nice just to hang out with them, and then I drove Stacie home before returning to Gilsum.

I slept in until about noon on Saturday morning. Then I got my swim stuff ready and threw on some warm clothes before heading in to JC Penny's in Keene. I had signed up to work a shift of ringing the bell at a Salvation Army holiday collection bucket in front of the store, and I was there from about 2:45-3:00 PM. After that I went to the Toadstool for about 45 minutes to waste time and warm up before driving out to Troy.

The swim team had a pre-meet pasta party at the FR's house in Troy from 4:00-7:15, so that's where I went. Had a great time there just hanging out with the team, I really like those kids, it's a good team, and we definitely have a good time. We watched some college football, ate some pasta, sang some Christmas carols to the neighbors, and wrestled in the dark. Oh, and Baumgartner and I have been singing some Cher songs, so that's pretty exciting. You can't tell me that doesn't sound like a good time. After we were all full and ready to rest our stomachs before practice, Mr. Dill comes out and he's like, "the lasagna's ready." We're all just like, "ohhh..." Sadly to say, I don't think the lasagna got eaten, hopefully they won't be eating it for a month. Thanks to them for having a great meal for us, and letting us use their house.

After that, we were going to head to practice, and I gave Gail a ride. She wanted to stop at the school to get some notebooks, and Motts had to pick something up there, so a bunch of us stopped there on the way. We had a good time running around the dark school, and that was the extent of that. Gail had a pretty good time riding with me I'm sure, probably scared her a couple of times, but it wouldn't be any fun without a little of that. Oh, and we listened to Motion City Soundtrack in the car, too, a pretty sweet band I must say. Then we went to practice.

Practice was pretty good, but I felt bad for Motts because he had to deal with some things that he shouldn't have had to deal with. Hopefully everything is settled now. Luckily, our excellent captains stepped up and led much of the practice to make it easier on him. I was pretty excited, because I got to work one-on-one with Kierstin, and I think she really learned a lot, and she responded quite well. I wish there was more time for that type of instruction, but I do need to keep working myself, or I'm not going to get any better. Also, we ran a practice run of the Boys 200 Yard Medley Relay, and we clocked a very respectable 2:06, and I led off with a 50 Yard Backstroke clocked at 33 seconds, 2 seconds under my best from last year. This was a very positive accomplishment, and it helped my confidence going into Sunday's meet. When I got home from practice I crashed.

Sunday morning I got up at 5:30 AM to get ready for the meet, and we left at 6:00 AM for Keene State. I was one of the first ones there, and I got stuck holding the door open for people for some time, since the College staff hadn't unlocked the Gym yet. After that I changed and got up on deck to stretch and get ready for warm-ups. Warm-ups went well, and I was feeling pretty good about everything, I was seeded well in all of my events, and I had my eyes set on qualifying in the 100 Yard Backstroke.

My first event was the 200 Yard Medley Relay with me leading off as the Backstroke leg, Mike Fratea following with the Breastroke, Nick Hall with the Butterfly, and last, Chris Baumgartner with the Freestyle. My lead-off leg put us off to a great start, my 32.07 second leg was good for second place behind Keene High's A Relay team. This, sadly didn't hold for the entire event, and we ended up placing 4th, although only a second behind 2nd place, with a new school record time of 2:03.90, breaking our own record of the previous season. Then I had quite awhile to wait before my 500 Yard Freestyle, but when it finally came I was well rested, and ready to do my best. I did much better than I had expected, winning the second heat and placing 5th overall with a time of 6:45.61, about 6 seconds under my personal best time from last season. Then I had just a short time to regain my strength and prepare for the 100 Yard Backstroke, the event that I really wanted to do well in. Although my start wasn't the best, and my final turn was horrible, I came in with a 1:12.16, which was good for 3rd place overall, only a second behind 2nd place, and a trip to states in the 100 Yard Backstroke. The State Qualifying time in that event is 1:14.49, and my previous personal best had been at 1:16.12 since last January. I had accomplished what I had hoped to, and by a good two seconds. Finally, was the 400 Yard Freestyle Relay. We had the same A Relay team, and we were ready, although we had to face an extremely talented Keene High Relay team. Nick led off with a 57.18 second 100, followed by Mike with a 1:00.20, followed by Chris with a 1:03.11, and lastly I anchored the race with a 1:02.42, good for 2nd place overall, and a our second school record of the day, again ours from the previous season. My 1:02.42, was a personal best by about 4 seconds, which I was extremely pleased with. All in all, we lost the meet, but it was a great day for me, and I definitely accomplished a lot. Also, I really appreciated that Stacie came, and that she told me all along I could get the 100 Yard Backstroke, I guess I did, and I am so happy.

It was a great weekend, I'm still excited about how well I did yesterday, and I can't wait until Friday's meet. Thanks again, Stacie, it was a great weekend, and I really appreciate your support, and everyone else's who has asked and congratulated me, it means a lot. To all the rookies, you did great yesterday, and you're only going to get better, my first meet wasn't exactly pretty, and look where I've gotten, it just takes hard work, determination, and a love for the sport. I've put a lot into swimming, and the rewards have been amazing, it's brought me through so much, and I love everything about it.

Peace,
Justin

2005-11-29T22:51:00.000-05:00

Baumgartner and I

Where I'm Going

2005-11-24T20:00:00.000-05:00

I want to show you where I've been,
But I want to take you where I'm going.

Peace,
Justin

Where I Found What I Was Looking For

2005-11-24T19:55:00.000-05:00

I had wandered all around my mind,
In hopes of finding happiness;
But when I finally found it,
It wasn't where I had been looking.
I didn't find happiness in my mind,
And I didn't find it in the places I had known.
I found it somewhere I'd never looked before,
I found happiness in you.

Peace,
Justin

The Apple and the Boy

2005-11-17T21:43:00.000-05:00

Look at you, so beautiful,
Like an apple in a tree,
Waiting to be picked or plucked,
Or eaten by a bee.

You'll hang there until noticed,
Or you tumble from your tree,
Where you could be found by a boy,
Or trampled beneath his feet.

Maybe he'll find you in the tree,
Or lying on the ground,
But no matter where he finds you,
Know you cannot make a sound.

So if he doesn't see you,
And you remain unfound,
There's little you can do about it,
There's no way to get around.

He simply has to find you,
Or you'll lie there 'til you rot,
Maybe you're not his apple,
Maybe you're not in his lot.

Peace,
Justin

My Dark and Silent Room

2005-11-14T19:03:00.000-05:00

[Verse 1]
I came down from my dark and silent room,
In hopes that I'd be leaving it for good,
But now I know I never should have left,
And I wonder how I ever thought I could.

[Chorus 1]
Our time has passed, and you have gone away.
The darkness has returned, and it looks as though it's here to stay.

[Verse 2]
So I retreat back up the twisting stairs,
To my dark and silent room,
Where I'll stay and hope and wonder,
As the room becomes my tomb.

[Chorus 2]
Our time has passed, and you have moved along.
The darkness has returned, and I know that I was wrong.

[End]
I'll dream about the sunlight and the joy that I have known.
And I'll dream that we're together as I lie there all alone.

[Fade Out]
And I'll dream that we're together as I lie there all alone...

Peace,
Justin

New Happiness

2005-11-02T13:17:00.000-05:00

Don't do this to me,
I'm happier than I've been in awhile.
I don't know what to do about you anymore.
Don't try to keep me where I was,
If you're going to move on,
Because that's not fair.
I love you still,
But things have changed,
And I must move on,
And find myself a better place to go.
Find myself a place where I can be happier;
Because if I stay,
I won't be happy,
I won't have anything.
Is that what you want?
I hope it isn't.
Don't do this to me.
Don’t send me back,
Now that I'm moving forward.
Don't push me back to where I was,
To where you were,
Because you're not there anymore.
I won't find happiness there without you,
And I can't follow you to where you're going.
You must let me go my own way now.
Don't make me follow you,
Because I'll never catch up;
I left this place far too late for that.
Don't do this to me.
I must go my own way,
And find my new happiness on a different path.

If you let me go this way,
And you continue on your new path;
When what has begun has come to an end,
Perhaps we’ll find that our paths lead to the same place.
Or maybe that’s just what I’m hoping.
Maybe the way I’ve chosen now is meaningless;
Maybe I’m only taking it to get away,
Because I think the that the sooner I leave,
The sooner it is that we will both return.

I’m tired of following you.
Let me go my own way for a while.
Where I am right now is a good place,
A place I want to be right now,
A place far from any place I’ve ever been before.
Let me be there for awhile,
And be happy for me,
Be happy for me as I am happy for you.
I’m glad that you are where you are right now;
Please be glad for me that I’m where I am right now.

Peace,
Justin

Your Pit of Distress

2005-11-01T17:48:00.000-05:00

I feel as if things were just getting better,
I was healing, and things were going so well,
I was even finding happiness in new places,
But then your world came tumbling down,
And I can't hold it up for you.
I feel so horrible,
Because I want to help you,
But I don't know how.
Everything has happened so quickly,
And all I can say is that I’m glad I escaped my pit before I fell into yours.

Peace,
Justin

Castles in the Sky

2005-10-31T21:44:00.000-05:00

We dream of lofty places,
Our castles in the sky.
We dream we’ll someday reach them,
And find them if we try.
But can we ever reach them,
In there places way up high?
Will we ever find our way there,
To our castles where they lie?
I’ve been trying for some time now,
But I sometimes wonder why.
I doubt I’ll ever get there,
It's more likely I'll sooner die.

They say that the grass is always greener on the other side. You’re on the other side, my castle in the sky.

Peace,
Justin

The Afterthought

2005-10-23T19:23:00.000-05:00

You never know where you stand,
Until it's far too late,
But it's hard to act until you're sure,
And it's so much easier to wait.

Peace,
Justin

It's Over

2005-10-23T14:56:00.000-05:00

Blind to the way,
The old man might say,
"It's over, good day,
I'm going away."

Peace,
Justin

It's Always There

2005-10-19T21:47:00.000-05:00

I don't know what it is,
But it always seems to be there,
It penetrates my every moment,
And it's with me everywhere.

Peace,
Justin

Don't

2005-10-19T18:29:00.000-05:00

Don't leave me here alone now,
We've been waiting together so long,
Don't let it all have been a mistake now,
Don't tell me that we've both been wrong.

Peace,
Justin

I'm Fine

2005-10-19T15:13:00.000-05:00

I'm fine,
you know.

Of course, I am,
but only for you to see.

When you're not looking,
everything can change.

Things are not always as they seem.

Peace,
Justin

The Tears of a Cloud

2005-10-17T20:53:00.000-05:00

Leave me outside in the rain,
That's where I belong.
Curled up in a ball,
Trying to stay warm,
As I wait here on your doorstep.
But what am I waiting for?
You've already let someone else in.
I sit here in the rain crying,
And the clouds are crying with me,
As I sit here all alone.
Where should I go?
I know no other door.
Yours has already opened and closed,
And I'm still out here in the rain,
Leaving me with nowhere to go,
Because I know no other door.
I'm sitting here in the rain,
Alone with my tears,
Alone with my pain.
At least I have the clouds to cry with me.

Peace,
Justin

Wasting Time

2005-10-17T18:54:00.000-05:00

Why do this?
Why do that?
Why not do whatever I want?
I don't want to to lose any more time.
I feel like I'm wasting it,
Every moment of every day.
I should be doing something that matters.
Stray from this same old meaningless way,
And do what I want.
Forget about this,
Forget about that,
Do whatever I want to,
And everything would be so much better.
At least that's what I believe.

Peace,
Justin

Take Comfort

2005-10-15T20:10:00.000-05:00

Sit here, stand here, lie here, be here.
Whatever you want, because I'm here.
Take comfort little child, you are safe here.
I'll talk, I'll listen, whatever you want, because I'm here.
Take comfort little child, because no matter what, you're safe here.
Safe to sit here, stand here, lie here, be here.
Whatever you want, because I'm here.
Take comfort little child, because nothing can hurt you while you're here.
Take comfort, I am here.

Peace,
Justin

Time

2005-10-14T21:33:00.000-05:00

Everything I do is in preparation,
For that which lies ahead,
I'm preparing for what awaits me,
And I'll continue until I'm dead.

We never concentrate on a moment,
Because each moment is spent on the next,
Nothing we do is done for what it is,
But rather, It's done for all the rest.

Peace,
Justin

A Renaissance

2005-10-12T17:24:00.000-05:00

[1] I want to submerge my head,
In a bucket of cool, clean water,
And when I raise my face from it,
I want to see a new world around me.

[2] I want to go to bed one night,
And fall asleep under my warm covers,
But when the morning comes,
I want to wake up in a different bed,
And I want to open my eyes to a fresh day.

[3] I want to lie down in the grass,
And close my eyes on the dark clouds,
I want to feel the firm ground beneath me,
And when I open my eyes,
I want to see a new sky,
A sky full of different clouds and a bright sun.

[4] I want to open my front door,
My bare feet on the cool wood floor,
And look out on a new front lawn,
I want to look out on a different place.

[5] I want to lie down on my bed,
And I want to play my favorite album,
And as the music begins to play,
I want to hear new sounds,
I want to hear fresh songs.

[6] I want to walk outside in the rain,
To let the heavy water drops fall on my skin,
As I stand alone with my eyes closed,
I want to feel like a new person,
As the rain drips off of me, cleansing me.

I want a fresh start, a new beginning, a rebirth.

Peace,
Justin

The Poor Man Part II

2005-10-10T21:21:00.000-05:00

When you see me, though,
Does the same thing happen?

Do you see me,
And think about me,
When I'm there,
And then forget me when I'm not?

You don't escape my mind.

Peace,
Justin

The Poor Man Part I

2005-10-10T21:12:00.000-05:00

You walk down the street,
And you see the poor man,
As he sits there on the sidewalk.

You look down at the poor man,
And you pity him,
As he holds out his little cup,
But you you pass him by,
And he quickly escapes your mind.

The poor man's cup remains empty.

Peace,
Justin

My Town Is A Mess

2005-10-09T21:49:00.000-05:00

Well, we got a bunch of rain last night, and it flooded my town. At the moment, I'm kind of stuck, because the road my house is on, is down in either direction. Everything is flooded, and everything is washed out, I don't know when it's all going to be fixed. Here are the pictures I took.

Gilsum Flood '05

Log-In using:
Email: jware2003@yahoo.com
Password: snapfish

Peace,
Justin

Sorry

2005-10-05T06:03:00.000-05:00

It's nothing of you;
It's my battle,
And I have to fight it.

Peace,
Justin

Which Are You?

2005-10-02T22:14:00.000-05:00

When I look at you,
I can see two different people,
You could be either one,
But you cannot be both.
You could be the one I want,
Or you could be the one I need.

If you're the one I want,
You're not the one I love,
If you're the one I want,
I don't really care about you,
And if you're the one I want,
You're the one I can have.

If you're the one I need, though,
You are the one I love,
If you're the one I need,
You are the one I care about,
But if you're the one I need,
You're the one I can't have.

Which are you?

Peace,
Justin

Pretend

2005-10-02T19:16:00.000-05:00

Pretend you don't want to lose me,
Pretend that I matter to you,
Though, I know I really don't,
Could you just pretend that I do?

Peace,
Justin

Where Are You?

2005-10-01T21:55:00.000-05:00

Here I am,
But where are you?
I don't know where to look,
I don't know what to do.

Peace,
Justin

The Fire Within

2005-10-01T20:58:00.000-05:00

Don't let the rain pour down,
And I'll try to burn brighter,
Don't let them tread on me,
The load could be so much lighter.

Peace,
Justin

The Raft

2005-10-01T18:27:00.000-05:00

Drifting at sea,
Floating on a raft,
Surrounded by water,
But with nothing to drink.

I'm lost, alone, and dying from dehydration in the middle of the ocean.

Peace,
Justin

A Special Meal

2005-10-01T10:28:00.000-05:00

Every morning,
the lady wakes up,
gets out of bed,
and reads the newspaper,
while sipping a mug of coffee.

Every day,
it's the same routine:
while reading the newspaper,
she checks the obituaries.

She checks them every day to see if her name is there, so that she knows to fix a special meal that evening if it is.

Peace,
Justin

Come Inside

2005-09-24T09:48:00.000-05:00

I can't seem to get out,
So you'll have to come inside,
Break down the door, and enter,
I can't, I've already tried.

Peace,
Justin

The Unexpected

2005-09-24T09:42:00.000-05:00

Expect the unexpected,
Be always on your feet,
Because something is bound to happen,
As soon as you take a seat.

Peace,
Justin

Wish You Were Here

2005-09-22T20:32:00.000-05:00

I go there to be with you,
Because it's a place where we can be together,
A place just for the two of us to share.

But usually when I'm there,
I'm alone...

Do you know how to get there?
I wish I could take you,
I wish I could show you the way.

But do you even want to go there?
Do you want to see what I want to show you?
Do you want to hear what I want to tell you?
Do you want to have what I want to give you?
Do you want to go where I want to take you?

Take my hand and I'll lead you there,
I'll lead you there if you will follow me.

Peace,
Justin

Those Who Care

2005-09-19T21:45:00.000-05:00

Surround yourself with those who care,
Dismiss those ones that don't,
Let those who love you help you out,
Because the others surely won't.

Peace,
Justin

Don't Go It Alone

2005-09-18T21:24:00.000-05:00

I know I haven’t been here long,
But I’ve been here long enough,
To know that when life gets hard,
Going it alone is awfully tough.

And this is why I’m here for you,
Because to me you mean so much,
That when life gets rough for you,
I’ll always be here as your crutch.

Peace,
Justin

Listening

2005-09-18T20:08:00.000-05:00

People don't really listen. We all have something to say, and we all think that it's more important than anything anyone else could want to say. So we talk, but we don't listen. This is truly a shame, because it just illustrates how selfish and self-centered we are. Yes, we are very selfish. We all want to talk, and we all want to be heard, but we aren't willing to listen. So who's listening? That's a very good question, and the truth is, there aren't many people listening. So, even if we had something worth saying, which we usually don't, nobody's going to hear it. Now what? Well, we need to learn to listen, basically. Easy? I don't think so. I've tried, but I usually end up returning to my old ways. For the little time I have actually spent listening, though, I've learned an awful lot. A lot more than I've ever learned from talking. That's why I'm writing this, because I listened to something someone else had to say, and I realized just how little we actually listen. The message was very clear, and it made me feel a little guilty, so I listened some more, and guess what? I learned some more. It really is amazing just how much we can benefit from switching roles once in a while. We can learn so much more, and we can feel so much better fulfilled. And do you know what? It's actually less work. Well sort of, because we're so used to talking, it actually takes a lot more effort to listen, so I guess you have to decide for yourself which is harder. All you have to do so is stop everything, sit back, and enjoy. Then, since we are what we are, we can take what we've heard, and we can tell it to other people. Maybe a few of them will listen, and they will benefit from what you have learned. Progress. What a beautiful thing. Too bad it can't go a little quicker, we might actually figure things out before it's too late.

There is another side to this, though, we often have very important and meaningful things to say, and in that case, why shouldn't we be able to talk about it? Well, we should be able to, and we should talk about such things as often as we can. The problem is, everyone else is talking, too, and nobody's going to hear you. Nobody's going to respond to what you have to say, and you will have wasted yourself. It's so difficult. We're so difficult. You just keep trying, though, and you just keep hoping that someday you'll get an educated response. Someone just may have been listening, and they just might have cared. But it's so hard to find these people. They truly are treasures. When you find one, hold on to them.

So there are two sides to the issue. What should you do now? Well, what I do, is I try to talk and listen, and respond as much as possible. It's hard to balance it, but at least I'm making an attempt. When you don't have anything worth saying, let someone else talk. Listen to what they have to say. Think about it. And most importantly, respond, this will let them know you were listening. This is the most important part, because most everyone enjoys hearing what other people have to say about what they have said. Then, when you do have something to say, more people will listen to you, and some of them just might respond, and not only will they learn from you, but you will learn from them. Benefits.

Just some thoughts on listening, if anyone out there is listening to what I've said here, I'd love to hear from you, because as I've said, I will listen.

Peace,
Justin

Carefree Existence

2005-09-16T16:09:00.000-05:00

It is great to be a child,
To live life on a whim,
When every day is a happy one,
And nothing is ever grim.

You can do whatever you want to,
And nothing matters at all,
You get right back up laughing,
After every time you fall.

When childhood ends, though,
The days of joy are gone,
Everything does matter now,
Your cares begin at dawn.

Peace,
Justin

In Loving Memory

2005-09-15T18:29:00.000-05:00

You were always there for me,
Every day when I got home,
You were so very dear to me,
The greatest friend I’ve ever known.

I know you were not always happy,
Or who you wanted to be,
But none of that ever mattered,
You were the perfect friend for me.

A wonderful caring person,
With a heart of love to give,
I wish you could have shared more,
I wish you could have lived.

So often since that awful year,
I’ve had things I’ve wanted to say,
But I lost the ability to do so,
On that tragically fateful day.

We were both far too young then,
We each had more to learn,
Plenty more to teach each other,
But your road took an untimely turn.

You were taken from me,
And, though, your love endures today,
I’ll never get to see you again,
Or say what I want to say:

I love you,
and I miss you.

Peace,
Justin

My Missing Part

2005-09-09T20:36:00.000-05:00

I think about you everyday,
You’re always on my mind,
You remind me somewhat of myself,
But you’re truly one of a kind.

I don’t yet know you very well,
But someday I surely will,
I’ll learn to know your every fault,
And appreciate your every skill.

I’ll learn to understand you,
And I’ll become your greatest friend,
Together we’ll enjoy the best of times,
And take the bumps and bends.

But until I get to know you,
Until our time can start,
I’ll think about you everyday,
As you remain my missing part.

Peace,
Justin

The Interview

2005-09-07T15:14:00.000-05:00

This is an interview that was conducted via e-mail with my cousin Jason Ware who is currently stationed in Kuwait, and has been actively involved in the Iraq War.

Q: When and why did you enlist?
A: I enlisted back in Dec. of 1999. I really don't remember what the main reason I enlisted was. I think it was mainly because I wanted to do something different and exciting. The reason I pawned off on other people such as my parents was the college benefits.

Q: What branch of the military did you join?
A: I'm currently in the Army National Guard.

Q: Could you describe the training you underwent prior to deployment?
A: Prior to deployment we spent about 4 months at Fort Drum, NY in a phase called mobilization. During this time we went through all our records, had medical exams, and had new equipment issued. Basically at first they were just making sure we were good to be deployed. The training we received during this time was a lot of "refresher" type stuff. We did things like familiarization/qualification on all sorts of weapons, physical fitness training (getting a lot of people back in shape), first aid classes, land navigation stuff, and all sorts of other really basic stuff that we were trained on back when we went through basic training. Along with the basic stuff there was some training specifically related to stuff we would be encountering overseas. We had classes/briefings on cultures, trained for convoys (how to react to attacks of different types), at one point we even trained in a fake city for urban combat techniques with actual Iraqi's shooting at us with AK47s with blank ammunition. Besides the training that everyone got, some people received extra training related to their military jobs. Myself and a few other guys from my section flew out to Oklahoma for a few weeks to do some artillery training out there. I also attended an advanced marksmanship rifle course where we were issued and trained on high powered scoped rifles.

Q: When, and to where, were you first deployed?
A: Not sure exactly what your looking for with this one. In June of '04 we were mobilized and sent to Ft. Drum, NY. We were at Ft. Drum until the end of October then flew into Kuwait. While in Kuwait I stayed at two different camps and was out of there and convoying into Iraq at the end of November. In Iraq I was stationed at a base outside of the city of Balaad through the elections until Feb. when I went to a very remote base outside of the city of Samarra. I was only there for a couple of weeks, before I was sent to a base a little farther north outside of Sadam's old home town of Tikrit. Now, I'm currently down here in Kuwait on a detail to escort convoys of equipment coming out of Iraq and bringing the stuff to the sea port here to send everything home.

Q: What were your first thoughts upon arrival? What did you think of conditions, food, the people, your living arrangements, etc…?
A: Well my first few days in the Middle East were not the best. We got off the plane at Kuwait City International Airport, and the heat was ridiculously hot compared the temperatures of Ft. Drum in October. From the airport we were stuck on a bus with a broken A/C and spent a good 12 hours or more driving all over Kuwait due to the bus drivers getting lost. Kuwait's not that big of a country so 12 hours on the road is pretty bad. When I finally got to the camp where we were going to crash for the night they put us in some old tents with yet again broken A/C and scorpions crawling around. All of that stuff was pretty much expected though for anyone who has been in the army. What was really hard to get used to was just how bright it was out, and the fact that you could see nothing for miles expect for a few camels here and there.

Q: In what locations have you been stationed? Were conditions different at each, or were they very similar?
A: Every camp/base is different. In my personal opinion the bases in Iraq are much better then in Kuwait. While in Kuwait I stayed in huge like 50 man tents sleeping on cots. The food in Kuwait is decent at some camps and pretty bad at others. Up north in Iraq at every base I was at I stayed in CHUs(containerized housing units). Those were pretty nice, they had outlets(240v), actual beds with mattresses, had to share them with anywhere between 1-3 other room mates. At one base in Iraq I was stuck in a room with 2 other guys with only two beds. I had to build myself a bed with scrap wood and nails I scrounged up. Food in Iraq was pretty good, I mean it's about as good or better then food in army dining facilities back in the US, so I can't really complain. Unlike the guys in the first rotation(OIF 1), the only time I have had to eat MREs(packaged meals) was when I was on long convoys. The only place I was at where the food was really bad was when I was at the base in the middle of the desert outside of Samarra. The base was small and only holding an infantry unit and the aerial cav. unit I was attached to so there was no civilian contracted dining facility there. The food was all cooked by military personnel. Lunch was the worst, try eating a ham and cheese sandwich with nothing but ham and cheese everyday.

Q: What have your duties been? Have they differed from location to location? What duties have been the hardest, most enjoyable?
A: Yeah my duties have definitely differed from location to location. My job/military occupation is 13F Fire Support (forward observer for artillery), because of that I've been attached to units other then my own the whole deployment. When my unit arrived in Kuwait we were responsible for bringing the whole division(42nd Infantry Division) into theater. We dealt with everything from convoying troops from the airport to different camps to unloading vehicles off the ships and driving them all over. In Iraq I've been attached to aviation units, which is kind of odd considering my job. Most 13Fs are attached to Infantry or Cav. units. At first I was attached to an air cav. Unit that flew Kiowa Warrior reconnaissance helicopters. They sent 7 guys from my section to work with their unit and honestly really only needed like 3. There wasn't too much for me to do there, so they threw me to work in their TOC(tactical operations center) doing things like monitoring the helicopters on the computer through a GPS system, taking down intelligence reports from the pilots over the radios, and assisting them with any artillery related stuff. It was interesting at first, I learned a lot of new stuff, but being combat arms (having a combat related job) and working inside a building got old quick. They only really cool thing I got to do while there was when a pilot took me up in one of the helicopters for a test flight and let me take the controls for a few laps around the base. Eventually they realized they did not need all 7 of us there so they sent myself and two other of my guys to link up with some of our other guys who were with another aviation unit at a base near Tikrit. While I was there I didn't do anything aviation related. They put some of us out working base security at night because we had our tracked vehicles with us that have a thermal night sight. With the thermal night sight and other equipment on the vehicle we could spot people smoking a cigarette outside their mud hut over 3km away and be able to get a distance/direction, and even a grid location. Outside of the nightly base security stuff we would go out and do reconnaissance patrols and terrain denial fire missions a few times a week. Usually we would roll through the desert with a couple humvees and check out suspicious stuff, sometimes we stop and question people at their houses and try to gather information. The PC term "terrain denial" fire missions, formerly called "harassment and interdiction" missions, involve calling in artillery and blowing up locations terrorists have been using, kind of like a scare tactic. Most of the time it was basically stuff like blowing up some guy's back yard where we have been getting attacked from by rockets or mortars.

Q: What is your current rank?
A: I'm currently a Sergeant.

Q: Have you been in active combat? If so, what was it like?
A: Well I think just about everyone over here has experienced something. Considering how much I've been out on patrols and convoys and stuff though I'm pretty lucky to say that I haven't seen that much. While at every base I've been at in Iraq we've been attacked by rockets and mortars. It's kind of odd though because it doesn't even faze most people like myself. It's just an every day thing. One time a rocket hit pretty close to me where I actually heard it coming through the sky and that kind of shook me up considering it hit where I was just walking. On my original convoy into Iraq we received some gunfire, but never found the source of it so kept driving and never returned fire. I've seen dead people. One day an Iraqi Army checkpoint on the entrance to our base was hit with a VBIED(vehicle born improvised explosive device) where there was nothing left of the car that was stuffed with explosives, and all of the guards were dead with guts all over jersey barriers and stuff. We came into the base about 10-15 minutes right after it happened and they were still cleaning everything up dragging dead bodies across the ground to throw in trucks and stuff. It was pretty bad to see. I think that's the first time I've ever seen a dead person I real life. A lot of my friends have been hit with IEDs while driving on convoys but luckily have all lived. Two pilots I knew really well from the first unit I was attached to were shot down and died. One time I was about 3 seconds from lighting up a car with a family and little kids in the back because they were approaching us at a high rate of speed and really had no reason to be coming towards us. I had my finger on the trigger and ready to go. They luckily turned before I pulled the trigger. I don't know, I guess I'm pretty lucky. When I first came into country I was hoping to see all sorts of stuff, and get into serious fire fights and stuff, but after being here I really don't care, just want to get home with all my friends I came here with.

Q: Do you feel that you have received proper and adequate training for the duties you have been required to do?
A: I think we wasted a lot of time training before coming overseas. It could have been compacted into a lot shorter time. A lot of it didn't really come into play while being over here. Half the problem is that the enemy is constantly changing their tactics on things so it's really hard to focus on training for stuff that is changing everyday. Like the IEDs, they keep evolving and they are finding better and better ways to use them. The types of attacks have change over time too. For a while there will be suicide bombers using cars, a month later there might be a lot for small arms fire attacks. It's just really hard to train for it. Another problem is the fact that so many soldiers over here are doing things that aren't part of their jobs that they are trained for. Adequate training? Sure. Could it be better? Definitely. It's the Army though, we've just got to make use of what we have and get the job done. That's how it's always been, and always will be.

Q: How is morale amongst the troops?
A: It changes everyday. People get home sick. People get tired of listening to/working with the same people everyday. There is no breaks, no way to really get away from stuff. It just gets to people sometimes and brings morale down. Overall I think most people know they have a mission to do, and just want to get it done and get home.

Q: Do you receive much "free time?" If so, what do you usually spend this time doing?
A: It varies. Most of the time, no. I've spent most of my free time working out at the gym lifting weights and stuff, watching DVDs, playing video games with my roommate on our TV with Xbox and PS2 that we've acquired while being over here.

Q: When are you returning home? Do you plan to return again?
A: Hopefully ill be home within a month or two. Do I plan to return again? No. Hope not at least, once is enough. My time in the army is up in December, but there is still ways they could deploy me for another 2 years after that.

Q: Do you think that the United States' presence is helping Iraq's progress towards a self-sufficient government?
A: That's hard to say from where I'm at. I know about as much about the government's progress as you or anyone else gets back home from the news. All I can tell you is that their army/police force is slowly but surely getting better.

Q: Have you witnessed progress?
A: Well, election day in Iraq last January was amazing, people from all over went out to vote. I would say that's progress. I would say we've made progress with the terrorists, the attacks in my opinion have dropped a lot since I first came into country. There are no more huge battles like the ones that were in Fallujah and Samarra right before I came over. Again as far as progress with things like public services and government its hard for me to say because most of my work has been out in the middle of no where where most people really seem to be unaffected by a lot of the whole deal.

Q: What reactions have you witnessed to the United States' involvement? Do the Iraqi people support or oppose the involvement, the war efforts? In general, do you feel that the Iraqi people are relieved to have the Hussein family out of power?
A: I've met and talked to some Iraqis who were all about us being there, but I've also met some who absolutely hated us, and basically told us to get the hell out of there. One family hated our presence because of an incident where some us soldiers shot up their car while their children were in it with warning shots for getting to close to their convoy on the road.

Q: Do you think that the United States is accomplishing its goals in Iraq? How is the rebuilding process going? Is the war effort properly funded?
A: Slowly but surely I think were accomplishing our goals in Iraq. I don't think were going to be done anytime soon though. I hope to god they don't pull out troops too soon. Until their government/army is sound, if we pull out things will fall right back to how they were before.

Q: Do you feel that the Iraqi people are benefiting from the United States' presence? Are they able to lead relatively normal lives with the war going on?
A: Like I said earlier, most of the people I've seen and dealt with live outside of the major cities, and seem to live normal lives from what I can see. I mean they still have to deal with us rolling through the back yards with machine guns on our vehicles but they continue to farm their land and herd their sheep and stuff.

Q: Are the Iraqi troops benefiting from the United States' training? Do you think that their troops are progressing towards the ability to do what they need to do on their own?
A: Definitely. The Iraqi troops are learning a lot from us. They are getting a lot of valuable training, along with a lot of free equipment. I still don't trust any of their troops the slightest, lately it seems like the army has been getting better. The police force on the other hand is still full of a lot of corruption, seems like half of them are working with the terrorists.

Q: Finally, in general, what are your thoughts on the war? What kind of contact have you had with the Iraqi people? Have you gotten to know any Iraqis? Do you have any interesting stories involving people you have met because of the war?
A: I think I've answered a lot of this in previous questions. I've met with a lot of Iraqi families, I've even been served tea and stuff at some of their houses. On a lot of our missions we'd try and collect a lot of stuff and throw it in the humvees to hand out to kids in villages that were cool to us. We'd give them stuff like candy, sodas, pencils/pens, paper, footballs/soccer balls, and even personal hygiene products. There are way too many interesting stories to write right now. Overall I hate being over here, but I have had a lot of good times with my friends/fellow soldiers over here.

Jason's Website

Peace,
Justin

Onward Bound

2005-09-05T22:17:00.000-05:00

Let's pull it together,
Get our feet on the ground,
Walk away from this place,
Onward bound.

We'll leave the past behind us,
Only the future awaits,
What lies ahead for us,
To be decided by our fates.

Peace,
Justin

Jealousy

2005-09-05T22:08:00.000-05:00

A butterfly,
Flying around your head,
It's a beautiful thing,
But you wish it were dead.

Peace,
Justin

What Is It For You?

2005-08-27T21:19:00.000-05:00

It's out there,
Almost everyone's looking for it,
Anyone can take it,
But first it must be found.

It takes a lot of hard work,
And it requires determination.

Many do not have what it takes.

Some simply are unable,
Prevented by physical inability,
Or mental weakness.

But there are those who are able.

There are those who put forth every effort,
And they are the ones who take it home.

But what it is, depends on who you are...

- - What is it for you?

Peace,
Justin