I'm Still Here
It's been an awfully long time since I've posted anything. It's been an awfully long time since I've completed a poem, and it's been an awful long time since I've just written about what's going on in my life. A lot has happened, and I can't even begin to put it all into words, nor can I remember everything that has taken place. I wish I had taken the time out of my busy days to just put something in here, because this really is a record of who I am, and what's going on. I'm also a little disappointed in the drought of completed poetry. I've written some different things here and there on scrap sheets of paper, but I haven't been able to make anything final. Partly because I don't really understand what I'm feeling anymore and I don't know how to express it, and partly because I just haven't had the time to sit down and work on anything for very long. I've fallen behind in a lot of things, though, not just my writing. Not a whole lot seems to be working besides swimming right now. Last week, I pretty much decided to ditch everything else, and just focus on that, which brought a lot of ups and downs, and has given me a lot to do this weekend in catching up. I guess that's alright, the success I achieved in swimming this week is worth almost any amount of work to me.
This season holds special importance due to how the last season ended, and so far it has more than made up for what happened last year. As of now I have qualified for the State Meet in four events: the 100 Yard Backstroke, the 200 Yard Individual Medley, the 200 Yard Freestyle, and finally the 100 Yard Freestyle. Last year I only qualified in one event, so I'm really excited about what I've accomplished. The one thing, though, that I am probably the most excited about is that at last Tuesday's meet, I broke the Monadnock Boy's School Record in the 100 Yard Backstroke. This is short and sweet but this is what the season has added up to so far, and I guess it's all that really matters. I've worked really hard, and the rewards as usual have been huge. I really don't know what I'd do if I didn't have swimming. It's probably the most important aspect of my life right now, and it's the only thing that has kept my head up.
This is 2006, it's a new year, and when it began, I had great hopes that it would be an amazing year. So far, in every respect except swimming, it has not lived up to expectations. This is rather disappointing, because I really thought this was going to be my year; I know there is plenty of time left, though, and that I shouldn't give up on it yet, but so far things are not going smoothly for me. I just don't know what to think. It had the makings of being amazing, everything was in place, and then coming back to school to begin the new year, I realized that things had changed. Whether it be my fault or not, things have changed, and I guess I shouldn't be surprised, it was bound to happen. Good things don't seem to last. I haven't given up, but I also have begun to doubt that things will work themselves out and that everything will all be great in the end. They never have been in the past, why should anything change now?
How different things are since the last time I posted in here. I shouldn't have let this much time pass, this is where I tell myself what's going on, this is where I try to make sense of things, and although I'm constantly thinking, this is where my thoughts come together.
It's weird how once you discover something you've never had, when it feels like it's slipping away, you don't know what to do. Fear sets in, and you begin to wonder how you will go on without what you've been given. But you were fine before, you were doing fine without it, why shouldn't you be able to handle it now? Once you've had a taste though, you don't want to give it up. Again, I'm worrying; I'm putting myself without that which I haven't already lost, or have I? It's hard to tell, it really is. Is it my fault? I don't know, but if it is, how could I have done this to myself? But on the other hand, what was I thinking? I had been doing perfectly fine, nothing was wrong, I had finally decided that things were going to fine. Then I changed. Why did I change? I changed for the worse, in hopes of finding better. And I did find better, but it hasn't lasted, and I'm back to where I was, but now I want something, something I didn't need before, but I feel like I do now. I know I don't, but what does it matter anyway? I don't have any of the answers, I never did, I only thought I did, I made everything up for the position I was in, and it worked. It's not working anymore, though. Forgive my rambling, as I stated earlier, I don't really know what I'm feeling, this is just a weak attempt at figuring things out.
I hope this week will be a better week, and that all of my fears will be put to rest. I feel small and alone. Don't leave me here in the dark. If it's time for me to go, it's time for you to tell me. I know you say it isn't, but you can't tell me this is the same. And maybe it's your fault, and maybe it's mine, but something has happened, and things have changed. Put my fears to rest, or tell me to go. The choice is yours and the reason is yours, because I have none. I can't find any answer, maybe there is none.
That's all I have right now, I'll try to write more, obviously I need to, but it's hard to treat a wound if you don't know where it is.
Peace,
Justin
"...I urge you to use all of your days thinking of peace and love, and to turn your thoughts into words and to let your voice be heard. There is no war going on in the world that is justified, none of this. We love you, thank you for coming." -- The Red Hot Chili Peppers - Live in Hyde Park
This season holds special importance due to how the last season ended, and so far it has more than made up for what happened last year. As of now I have qualified for the State Meet in four events: the 100 Yard Backstroke, the 200 Yard Individual Medley, the 200 Yard Freestyle, and finally the 100 Yard Freestyle. Last year I only qualified in one event, so I'm really excited about what I've accomplished. The one thing, though, that I am probably the most excited about is that at last Tuesday's meet, I broke the Monadnock Boy's School Record in the 100 Yard Backstroke. This is short and sweet but this is what the season has added up to so far, and I guess it's all that really matters. I've worked really hard, and the rewards as usual have been huge. I really don't know what I'd do if I didn't have swimming. It's probably the most important aspect of my life right now, and it's the only thing that has kept my head up.
This is 2006, it's a new year, and when it began, I had great hopes that it would be an amazing year. So far, in every respect except swimming, it has not lived up to expectations. This is rather disappointing, because I really thought this was going to be my year; I know there is plenty of time left, though, and that I shouldn't give up on it yet, but so far things are not going smoothly for me. I just don't know what to think. It had the makings of being amazing, everything was in place, and then coming back to school to begin the new year, I realized that things had changed. Whether it be my fault or not, things have changed, and I guess I shouldn't be surprised, it was bound to happen. Good things don't seem to last. I haven't given up, but I also have begun to doubt that things will work themselves out and that everything will all be great in the end. They never have been in the past, why should anything change now?
How different things are since the last time I posted in here. I shouldn't have let this much time pass, this is where I tell myself what's going on, this is where I try to make sense of things, and although I'm constantly thinking, this is where my thoughts come together.
It's weird how once you discover something you've never had, when it feels like it's slipping away, you don't know what to do. Fear sets in, and you begin to wonder how you will go on without what you've been given. But you were fine before, you were doing fine without it, why shouldn't you be able to handle it now? Once you've had a taste though, you don't want to give it up. Again, I'm worrying; I'm putting myself without that which I haven't already lost, or have I? It's hard to tell, it really is. Is it my fault? I don't know, but if it is, how could I have done this to myself? But on the other hand, what was I thinking? I had been doing perfectly fine, nothing was wrong, I had finally decided that things were going to fine. Then I changed. Why did I change? I changed for the worse, in hopes of finding better. And I did find better, but it hasn't lasted, and I'm back to where I was, but now I want something, something I didn't need before, but I feel like I do now. I know I don't, but what does it matter anyway? I don't have any of the answers, I never did, I only thought I did, I made everything up for the position I was in, and it worked. It's not working anymore, though. Forgive my rambling, as I stated earlier, I don't really know what I'm feeling, this is just a weak attempt at figuring things out.
I hope this week will be a better week, and that all of my fears will be put to rest. I feel small and alone. Don't leave me here in the dark. If it's time for me to go, it's time for you to tell me. I know you say it isn't, but you can't tell me this is the same. And maybe it's your fault, and maybe it's mine, but something has happened, and things have changed. Put my fears to rest, or tell me to go. The choice is yours and the reason is yours, because I have none. I can't find any answer, maybe there is none.
That's all I have right now, I'll try to write more, obviously I need to, but it's hard to treat a wound if you don't know where it is.
Peace,
Justin
"...I urge you to use all of your days thinking of peace and love, and to turn your thoughts into words and to let your voice be heard. There is no war going on in the world that is justified, none of this. We love you, thank you for coming." -- The Red Hot Chili Peppers - Live in Hyde Park
posted by Jw at 4:04 PM
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