This Is Frustration

Last night, after an evening filled with thought, I got this horrible feeling deep down within me. I couldn't figure out what had prompted me to think what I was thinking, but I decided I should write it down. At the time I simply typed it up as it came and it's not written in a very sensible sequence or structure, so what I'd like to do in this post is rewrite that which came to me last night, and make it ready for the rest of the world to read and interpret.

I just got this really sick feeling deep down inside of me, and I have no idea why. Basically what I began to feel was that no matter what, there is no way that everything is going to work out. There is always going to be something that gets to me. There is always going to be something wrong, something that I just can't fix, something that prevents me from being completely happy. There is no way around it, that's just how it is, that's just how it always will be. No matter how many times I change, no matter how many times I find a new way to look at things, no matter what other people do for me, things are not going to work out for me. Things are just not going to come together in a way in which they can remain, ever. There will always be at least one thing, because everything cannot all be right at the same time. I'm not going to be happy. I'm not going to be content with how things are. From time to time I may think that I've discovered a way to change this, I know, because it's happened to me on a couple of occasions. From time to time I'm going to start to believe that things have finally changed, that everything's going to be alright, and that everything is finally working out. But in the end, everything's just going to fall apart again, everything's going to go right back to the way it was before. Only now it's going to be worse, because I'll have one more thing to regret messing up, one more thing that I thought was the answer to all of my problems. But each time I'll have been mistaken. I will have been fooled into thinking that maybe things could get better, that maybe something was finally changing, and that maybe, just maybe, I'd finally figured things out. Then something will happen, things will change, and everything will fall apart. Sometimes it will be my fault, sometimes it will be somebody else's, but every time, it's going to happen, and every time, it's going to feel horrible. I just can't ever keep everything stable, I just can't ever make everything right, it just can't happen, I'm not meant to have that, I'm not meant to find that happiness.

This is frustration. This is what I feel.

How can I possibly continue to look forward? How can I continue to hope that sooner or later it's all going to work out, when deep down inside of me, I have a horrible feeling that it never will? How can I continue to ask myself if maybe this is the time, this is it, it's finally happening, when I have this sickening feeling that it never will? How can I continue to think that it could be happening to me? How can I continue to even try to make it happen? When I know that every time I get my hopes up, every time I start to wonder, every time I start to think that maybe this is it, I'm going to fall flat on my face. It's not going to happen to me, so how can I continue to hope that it will? How do I keep getting back up and trying again?

This is frustration. This is what I feel.

Peace,
Justin