Someday

Someday we'll be together
More than we're apart,
And good-bye won't be for weeks at a time,
Weeks spent looking forward to a few short hours,
Those few short hours
Spent dreading the next good-bye.

Someday we'll be able to see each other
Whenever we want,
And nothing will keep us apart.

We'll have overcome these barriers,
And eliminated our differences,
And it'll all have been worth it.

There'll be no waiting or anticipating,
And we'll be able to enjoy every moment as it comes,
…together.

Peace,
Justin

Friday Afternoon [11.10.06]

To think that we’ve come this far,
Two strangers that met by chance,
And fell in love against all odds.

There is so much that separates us,
And yet lying here with you,
That all seems so irrelevant.

I could lie here with you forever,
Your head resting on my chest,
Your eyes closed as you sleep.

I just want to hold you forever,
Your body tight up against mine,
Your calm breathing the only sound.

It’s been such a short time,
But I know this is right,
And as I watch you sleep,
All I can think about,
Is just how much I love you.

Peace,
Justin

Taking On the World

The world is far too large,
It's population far too great,
I'll never be anybody here,
So let me at least be somebody
to you.

This world will never notice me,
Will never see what I could be,
Few will ever learn who I am,
So let me at least show who I am
to you.

The world's got too much wrong,
Too much that I could never fix,
I can't make it right for everybody,
So let me at least make it right
for you.

Peace,
Justin

Troy, New York

Over two hundred and sixty miles,
More than twenty-three hours and twenty minutes,
One free concert,
Standing in line,
Celebrating The Wait,
Revolution Hall on River Steet,
Three great bands,
One free t-shirt,
Tongue Tied,
Awesome music,
Walking to my car in the rain,
Blindly following traffic,
Crossing the bridge,
Too many one-way streets,
Lost in New York,
Asking for directions,
Wrong side of the Hudson River,
Passing and repassing the Watervliet Arsenal,
Route 155, Colonie, Route 32 East,
Driving around in circles from 11:30 PM to 1:15 AM,
Route 787, Route 32 West, Route 2,
Running three or more red lights,
Passing one cop,
Parking at a brightly lit Hess Station,
Locking the doors,
Reclining the seat,
Putting on a sweatshirt,
Sleeping until 6:00 AM,
Waking up cold and thirsty,
Buying and drinking a bottle of orange juice,
Tropicana, some pulp,
Finding the bathroom locked,
Resuming my search,
Crossing the river,
Driving up and down 15th Street,
Frear Park and a cemetery,
Passing through Rensselaer,
Finally locating Route 66,
Actually Pawling Avenue,
On to Route 43,
Averill Park and Dunham Hollow,
Finding my destination at 7:15 AM,
Showering and sleeping until 10:30 AM,
Talking and eating,
Leaving for home,
Route 22 and Hoosick,
Stewart's and another cemetery,
Visiting a new house,
Long muddy driveway,
Driving through the rain,
Up Hogback,
And down the other side,
Filling up at Neighbor's,
New York, Vermont, New Hampshire,
Arriving home,
Knowing it was all worth it,
And having one of the most interesting twenty-four hour periods,
Ever.

Peace,
Justin

The Engraved Silver Pocket-watch

The old man rocks slowly back and forth,
He sits alone on the far end of the park bench,
His eyes are closed in deep concentration,
And his old worn hands lie motionless on his lap,
His head is bowed towards the ground,
As if to say that his tired neck can no longer support its weight,
It is the image of a man broken by long years of hard labor,
But really, it is that of a heart broken from years of unrequited love,
As he sits there, his rhythmic motion marking the final moments of his life,
He tries to remember times long past and ventures long forgotten,
But most of all he longs to remember the girl he once loved,
The engraved silver pocket-watch that he retrieves from his jacket,
Is the only physical reminder that remains,
Softly ticking, counting down the seconds until the end,
As his fingers tighten around the watch and its chain,
He focuses all of his earthly energy on a single memory,
And, though it is distant, he strains his mind,
To unbury the one person he'd been burying for the longest,
To recall for just a moment the last time they had shared together,
It had been on a cool clear evening that he had last visited the bench,
A cool evening some fifty-three years earlier,
And now, not only is he much older, but he is alone,
She had had long flowing hair of a light shade of brown,
And sparkling blue eyes that always smiled from within,
It had been an unforgettable and life-changing evening,
If he had only known at the time the significance that it would hold,
He would have made sure to examine every detail,
The beautifully defined lines of her elegant figure,
The way she had looked up to him and smiled into his face,
The way she had shyly giggled and grasped his hands in her own,
He would be able to call it all up and feel content in his final moments,
But instead the episode is just a distant memory,
And the poor old man strains to remember it,
He strains to remember how her soft skin had felt to his touch,
But all he can feel now is the cold hard metal of his watch,
It mocks his hands like the harsh reality of the world,
His final connection to that world before he leaves it at last,
Gently slumping over he loses the battle--all remaining strength,
And everything is forgotten,
His broken heartbeat fades to nothing,
His final breath escapes his lips,
And as if to mark the finality of the moment,
The whitened knuckles of his fist begin to unclench,
And the engraved silver pocket-watch drops from his hand,
Suspended over the ground by its chain,
Wrapped around a single finger.

Peace,
Justin

What Might Be

Just a moment, please,
And maybe we will see,
A better time and place,
A better day, perhaps.
Stop, and look around,
It could all be there.
Every single detail,
Could give an answer,
Every other person,
Could prove a friend,
And every single place,
A home in the making.
Take a chance,
And look around,
And see what might be.
There could be more,
Or nothing new to see,
But give it a chance,
And see what just might be.

Peace,
Justin

Hero

There stands the hero,
Upon his public pedestal,
On display for all the masses,
An example for the children.
No smile on his face,
No fire left in his eyes,
His heart has lost the battle,
His spirit has lost the fight.
Too long the eyes have followed him,
Too large the stack of mail,
The endless stream of interviews,
Everyone follows in his trail.
He has sold what once was sacred,
Left behind his initial goals,
He got caught up in the glory,
Now he simply fills the role.
But who's to blame for this?
Is it him or is it us?
We ask for a model to follow,
And we'll give him what he wants.
Enter small-town good samaritan,
Exit empty hero, goodness lost.
We have taken the hope for the future,
And made a poster-boy without a cause.

Peace,
Justin

The Table

The hard table provides no relief from the day. I simply sit here as the world runs by through my head, and I realize that there really isn't any hope, any future that will count. I have already wasted too many hours this same way, with my head on this hard gray table. It is for this moment my own, but before now it has been a rest for countless more. It is a graveyard, a cemetery for the minds and hopes and aspirations of the youth--of tomorrow. Mine is the newest headstone, but by no means does it stand alone; many cracked and crumbling granite markers are all that remain of numerous youthful existences. There is no hope, this resting place will simply continue to consume students without a fight, without a chance to survive, until every plot is filled and a newer, more efficient means of subduing the future opens and begins to fill. It continues and expands and grows and evolves, and all while I sit here doing nothing, allowing all of it. But what am I supposed to do? I am simply another victim, there is no fight, no hero here, I have now powers or special attributes that the others before me have lacked. I am simply aware of it, which makes the process that much more painful and difficult to endure. There is nothing I can do to fight it, my purpose seems simply to know it and record it.

Peace,
Justin

Invsible Wings

Go fly a kite,
Don't fight the flight.
The goal's in sight,
To fly's my right.

Peace,
Justin

Vandalism [Modern Poetry]

Incoherent revelations,
Scattered through the subway stations.
The knowing but unknown,
Legacies of the underground prophets,
Scratched into the ancient paint,
Cracked and peeling,
Or spray-painted over,
Fresh and new.
They quietly go about their business,
Unappreciated,
Often condemned.
The troubled man,
The greater mind:
A vandal,
Simply trying to put his unease to rest.

Peace,
Justin

IV.

And yet, as I say all of this, I am myself forced to question how much of it is true. I haven’t really found any long-lasting answers, I just keep searching. From time to time it all starts to make sense and seems to be running smoothly, but that never seems to last. Generally, these brief times of clarity arise from interactions with the people around me—from the relationships with all of the different people that enter and depart from my life. But to say that most of these of clarity arise from interactions and relationships, it is important to also acknowledge that most of the difficult and dark times are caused by the same two things. It is difficult to understand how the highest and lowest times in life are often engendered by the same things, but it’s the truth. And if you truly consider it, it just means that when the things hat really matter are going well they can turn everything around to the bright side, whereas hen those things that really matter start to go wrong, it can cause you to forget all of the good things in your life. That is also to say that the things that really matter have the greatest range of ups and downs. I guess this is simply necessary, and completely acceptable. It’s all a part of what makes them important, and makes it possible for them to be as good as they are at times. With placing a high value on something, comes a genuine and often realized risk that is simply a part of the cost. But no matter what, the point is that these times of clarity are indeed brief and result from contact with other people most often. And without any doubt, I can say that these are not the answers to life’s many questions, but simply momentary reprieves, false and short-lasting relief. So my search continues, and I’m still as far away as when my search began.

Peace,
Justin

Krakauer's Obsession with Obsession

In both Under the Banner of Heaven and Eiger Dreams, author Jon Krakauer explores the ways that obsession affects people, although he does so differently in each work. In Under the Banner of Heaven he gives an account of how two religious fundamentalists were led to commit murder because of their obsession; while in Eiger Dreams he tells the stories of many different people who have been obsessed with rock-climbing, including himself. And although the two books may on the surface appear to be completely unrelated, Krakauer links their stories with a common theme, one that has forced him to delve extremely deep into his subjects to understand them. In each work he gives clear and well-researched insight into the motives and justifications behind peoples’ actions. This insight appears as a subtle, but detailed commentary on the reasons for, and the implications, meaning, and results of obsession.

It was March, 1984 when Ron Lafferty received the revelation. He was to remove his sister-in-law Brenda Lafferty and her baby, then Chloe Low, and finally Richard Stowe so that God’s work could continue forward. He consulted his brother Dan, and after much praying, they both agreed that the revelation had indeed come from their almighty master. Only a few months later, on July 24, the brothers entered the home of Brenda Lafferty and proceeded to brutally murder both her and her fifteen-month-old baby daughter Erica. The rest of the revelation was never carried out; however, two lives were taken, and two men have had little difficulty in admitting to the heinous crime that they committed in the name of God. Under the Banner attempts to explain how these two religious zealots had so little difficulty taking the lives of two individuals on faith alone.

In Eiger Dreams, Jon Krakauer explores completely different subject matter, describing some of the most prominent figures, both human and geographic, in the world of mountaineering. John Gill, Andy Embick, Adrian Popovich, Rick Fisher, the Burgess twins, and of course himself are just a few of the mountain climbers mentioned, while Denali, Everest, K2, and the Eiger are just a few of the mountains. The stories are filled with glory and success, but also with fatalities and defeat. These are the harrowing adventures that keep pulling people into one of the sports with the greatest fatality rate; although it can be said that perhaps it is actually the fatality rate itself that draws much of the crowds. Eiger Dreams attempts to explain to the non-climbing world why climbers climb, and why it is such a consuming lifestyle that few have given up by choice.

In these two books, Jon Krakauer explores two obsessions, and in doing so, he attempts to explain the causes behind them. In Under the Banner of Heaven, he describes how the Lafferty brothers became so hopelessly involved in Fundamentalist Mormonism, and in Eiger Dreams, how climbers, himself included, feel and must succumb to the call of the mountains. It can be observed, in each, a major factor that contributes to such fixations as one’s upbringing; the Laffertys were born into a family that relentlessly studied and lived the Mormon faith, while many of the mountain climbers he follows were either born into a culture that idolizes the accomplishment of such feats as have been dubbed insane by many or introduced to the sport at an early age. Generally these people also demonstrate similar personality traits; they are people who firmly believe in their obsessions and through incredible strength and daring face them head on. In addition, Krakauer describes some of the things that have fueled his own obsession, and it would seem that there is truth in his statement for both mountain-climbers and religious fanatics:

And if I remain in the dark about our purpose here, and the meaning of eternity, I have nevertheless arrived at an understanding of a few more modest truths: Most of us fear death. Most of us yearn to comprehend how we got here, and why—which is to say, most of us ache to know the love of our creator (Krakauer, Banner 339).

That is to say, that obsession is often caused by the need to understand existence and to find purpose in life; it is often an attempt to find answers to the greatest questions that people have. There are many reasons behind extreme fascinations, but what Krakauer emphasizes is that it is generally simply an aching to comprehend what humans are doing on this planet.

In an attempt to further understand what Jon Krakauer is writing about, it is important to know what exactly obsession is, since it can mean many different things as is demonstrated in these two works. Obsession is defined as being a persistent, disturbing, preoccupation with an idea or feeling; a definition that very accurately describes what is described through the Krakauer’s stories of the Laffertys and numerous mountaineers. In Under the Banner of Heaven the obsession of the Laffertys is over religion and their belief that they were chosen by God to do his good work and to remove any that stand in the way of that being accomplished. In Eiger Dreams the obsession of the many mountain-climbers is with personal accomplishment, testing physical limits, cheating death, and of course competition. As Krakauer himself said in an interview,

I was stirred by the mystery of death; I couldn’t resist stealing up to the edge of doom and peering over the brink. The view into that swirling black vortex terrified me, but I caught sight of something elemental in that shadowy glimpse, some forbidden, fascinating riddle (Contemporary).

A quote that can alone reveal much of what his obsession with mountains is all about. It is something different for everybody, but whatever it is, it’s always a persistent, disturbing, preoccupation with something.

To fully understand the obsessions described in these two books, it is important to examine how Jon Krakauer’s subjects justify their extreme fascinations; but first, it is necessary to study some of the results. In Under the Banner of Heaven, the two Lafferty brothers’ obsession with faith led to the murder of an innocent woman and her defenseless infant daughter, while in Eiger Dreams, the obsession of numerous rock-climbers led to severe injuries or in many cases, death. Presented with these results, the task of justifying anything that could lead to murder, injury, and death, would appear to anyone as very daunting. Even Krakauer himself admitted, in an interview when questioned about his own near-death experience on Mount Everest as a member of an expedition that lost some of Everest’s biggest names,

I guess I don’t try to justify climbing, or defend it, because I can’t. There’s no way to defend it, even to yourself, once you’ve been involved in something like this disaster. And yet I’ve continued to climb. I don’t know what that says about me or the sport other than the potential power it has. What makes climbing great for me, strangely enough, is this life and death aspect. It sounds trite to say, I know, but climbing isn’t just another game. It isn’t just another sport. It’s life itself (Contemporary).

But, despite the fact that he claims he doesn’t try to justify climbing, or obsession in general, this statement alone is enough to explain why he climbs, and if that’s not enough, in each of his works he further explains how people can justify their fixations. If people couldn’t validate their own obsessions, how could they let themselves become so immersed in them?

In regards to validating such extreme fixations as fundamental Mormonism that led to murder, Krakauer does his best to describe how his subjects justified their monstrous acts. During his research on this particular subject, Krakauer asked Dan Lafferty if there is any difference between him and Osama bin Laden, to which he replied,

I’ve asked myself that. Could I be there? Is that what I’m like? And the answer is no. Because Osama bin Laden is an asshole, a child of the devil. I believe his real motivation isn’t a quest for honesty and justice, which maybe were his motivations in his earlier life. Now he’s motivated by greed and profit and power (Krakauer, Banner 317).

Following which, Krakauer continued by inquiring as to the difference between what bin Laden’s followers did on September 11, and what he did on the July 24, 1984. His reply was, “I have to admit, the terrorists were following their prophet. They were willing to do essentially what I did. I see the parallel. But the difference between those guys and me is, they were following a false prophet, and I’m not” (318). Through this interview, much insight into the minds of Laffertys can be gained. It is apparent that they justified their actions simply by believing completely and unquestioningly in their faith and eventually in a revelation that would lead to murder. They each believed entirely that they were right and that anyone who disagreed was wrong; theirs was the only true religion: Mormon Fundamentalism. Another interpretation of how the Laffertys justified their crime, though, refers directly back to the historical roots of the Mormon faith; according to Malcolm Jones, “Brigham Young preached that some sins were so heinous as to justify the murder of the sinner. This ‘blood atonement’ was the justification the Laffertys used for their murders” (Jones). This is to say that Brenda Lafferty and her daughter had themselves committed unforgivable sins against God, which necessitated their removal. In these ways, Krakauer’s Under the Banner of Heaven attempts to explain how two men could justify an obsession with faith so strong that could lead them to murder two people.

When it comes to justifying extreme fascination with mountains, Krakauer often refers back to his own personal experience, but all in all, in Eiger Dreams he describes a mindset and a lifestyle of people who simply are drawn in by the lure of mountains. As he admits in his Author’s Note to Eiger Dreams and in numerous interviews, it is very difficult to explain to a non-climber why he and his peers risk life to experience the nature in her most raw and unforgiving manner. So to do so, he writes that in this book he simply tries to prove that, “most climbers aren’t in fact deranged, they’re just infected with a particularly virulent strain of the Human Condition” (Krakauer, Dreams x). As he describes it, mountain-climbing really is a lifestyle, a lifestyle that certain people are inclined to follow up and become addicted to simply because they were born with that need for close-calls and the ever intensifying adrenaline rush. The obsession with climbing is an all-encompassing fascination with testing and breaking limits for the ultimate experience of living. To Krakauer and most climbers alike, these reasons are more than enough to justify their fixation and far outweigh the risks that often overshadow them. As he writes further along in his Author’s Note to Eiger Dreams, “by the age of eighteen climbing was the only thing I cared about; work, school, friendships, career plans, sex, sleep—all were made to fit around my climbing or, more often, neglected outright” (xi). Would someone who has trouble validating his obsession admit to that?

Jon Krakauer writes as someone who has truly lived and experienced this world. He can do this because he has, which is because from the age of eight he has had an obsession, a persistent, disturbing, preoccupation with climbing. Whether it be with climbing or with a fundamentalist religion, most people know what that preoccupation is all about, because most of us have a fixation of some sort. The two that Krakauer describes in Under the Banner of Heaven and Eiger Dreams are extreme examples, but in picking extreme examples, he was able to explore them to a more extensive depth. The truth is, most of our obsessions will never lead to murder or death, but they will lead to the great feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment that also accompany any fascination. As Krakauer wrote in one of the articles published in Eiger Dreams,

The insubstantial frost feathers ensured that those last twenty feet remained hard, scary, onerous. But then, suddenly, there was no place higher to go. It wasn’t possible, I couldn’t believe it. I felt my cracked lips stretch into a huge, painful grin. I was on top of the Devils Thumb (Krakauer, Eiger 184).

We have all known that moment and experienced that feeling of success when our obsession with something leads to our goal, and it is that moment that we all live for, no matter how long it takes to get there, and no matter how painful the journey, when we get there, it has all been worth it. The truth is, the theme explored in these two works is one that we can all apply to our own life no matter how different the circumstances. In writing these two books, Jon Krakauer has added a chapter to the quest for understanding one of the world’s most common themes by discussing the reasons for, and the implications, meaning, and results of obsession.

Peace,
Justin

III.

So until I figure all of this out, I guess my best option is to just try my best to experience this world I’m living in, and of course, its many different people. I believe the best way to learn about yourself is to immerse yourself into the different cultures that exist on this planet. There is so much to do and see, so if you’re not sure what your calling is, a good way to start searching for it is to just get out there. Live it up. Find what you enjoy doing, what makes you happy. Search for and discover satisfaction. You have to find what’s right for you and be who you are—who you want to be—who you were born to be. Whoever that may be. You won’t get any answers by just sitting around and doing nothing. This is your time, make it count. You have to take full responsibility for your life; who else should? Find your calling however you can, surround yourself with whatever makes you tick, and escape the things that bring you down and prevent you from making the best of what you’ve got to work with. You’ve got to find out where you fit, where you belong in an ever-diversifying society. You have to find your scene—as it is often referred to. What can you contribute that will be beneficial, if not inspirational, to others that are like you? If you’re unsure of your purpose—the meaning of your life—then do what you can do to help others find theirs, and maybe you’ll get lucky and figure it out along the way. As I have discovered, one of the best ways to solve your own problems is to help others with theirs. Or, perhaps you will discover that helping others is your purpose. That you were put here with others besides yourself in mind, which in many ways is perhaps one of the highest callings. Also, it may be one of the most rewarding, which is to say that someone who spends his life helping others may be much happier than someone who is extremely successful, but has never done anything with anyone else in mind. The pay for charity, although numerically very low, may in fact be much higher in the grand scheme of things. This, however, is only one path that can be followed, and it is definitely not right for everybody. But the only way to know for sure, that is, to figure you why you’re really here, is to get out there, to experience this world, and just see what happens. If all works out, you’ll probably get to the point where you just know, you just understand the reason for your existence.

Peace,
Justin

II.

In my wonderment, I consider many of the things that most people do, but it’s different I think. Very different. I guess I just want to understand, to know what it is that I want to know. But the difficulty is in that I don’t actually know what it is that I want to know. I mean, I guess that what I want to know is how to live and experience this world in a way that I’m not wasting my time. At most, I’ll get what, maybe a hundred years?—What is a hundred years?—But how do I use that time? It’s hard to say, I think. It’s a good start to be able to comprehend that time, but it’s also a curse. To know that your time to live is so short, but to not understand how to use that time. To want, as desperately as I do, to use my time here for both the good of myself and others. Although I believe my primary purpose is to do my best to enjoy myself, it’s also important that I do what I can to help others and contribute to this world in whatever ways I can. It’s just frustrating, to realize how quickly time winds down. I’m not sure what I should be doing, I just hope to find out soon enough so that this frustration doesn’t continue forever.

Peace,
Justin

I.

I sometimes wonder as to the future of humanity, but more importantly, I often wonder as to my own future, but not necessarily in the way that others wonder about their futures. All anyone seems to be doing anymore is preparing; which I guess you could say is just being smart in regards to guaranteeing yourself a comfortable—and perhaps socially acceptable—future. But the way I see it, this is not planning or looking out for your best interests, but rather speeding up the process of dying with little attention paid to the actual process of living. As it appears to me, there are very few people who are actually at all concerned with life itself. It seems that everyone is only concerned with the end, the conclusion, the final moment. And this leads me to the question that if nobody cares at all about any moment other than the last, what is the point in living all the rest? It would also seem that there are those who aren’t even concerned with the end at all, but only with what comes after. These are the people who confuse me the most, because frankly, we have nothing to rely on other than faith that there is anything after death. And although I have faith that there is something that follows death, I see no sense in wasting what time we know we have on that belief. We are born, we live, and then we die. Anything further than that is guesswork on our parts. I see no sense in not spending what time we know we have living. Because, I believe that a man who spends each day living it as though it were his last will be much better prepared when that day finally arrives than a man who spends his entire life preparing for that day.

Peace,
Justin

Appreciation

I long to feel the grips of darkness,
To understand the light.
To hang on the edge of a nightmare,
To comprehend the dream.
To come face to face with death,
To fully appreciate life.

Peace,
Justin

The Reason For Existence

Forever swirling in the endless confusion of a world long gone and a promise long forgotten, never coming, never going, nowhere in sight, the place we long to be, and the peak we soar to reach; no, nothing of that kind, and nowhere in this world, but this rock, standing on this rock, with nothing but our minds to guide our thoughts of places and dreams, searching out the goal, the answer, an even understanding of the reason for existence.

Peace,
Justin

Belief and Technique for Modern Prose

By Jack Kerouac

1. Scribbled secret notebooks, and wild typewritten pages, for yr own joy
2. Submissive to everything, open, listening
3. Try never get drunk outside yr own house
4. Be in love with yr life
5. Something that you feel will find its own form
6. Be crazy dumbsaint of the mind
7. Blow as deep as you want to blow
8. Write what you want bottomless from bottom of the mind
9. The unspeakable visions of the individual
10. No time for poetry but exactly what is
11. Visionary tics shivering in the chest
12. In tranced fixation dreaming upon object before you
13. Remove literary, grammatical and syntactical inhibition
14. Like Proust be an old teahead of time
15. Telling the true story of the world in interior monolog
16. The jewel center of interest is the eye within the eye
17. Write in recollection and amazement for yourself
18. Work from pithy middle eye out, swimming in language sea
19. Accept loss forever
20. Believe in the holy contour of life
21. Struggle to sketch the flow that already exists intact in mind
22. Don't think of words when you stop but to see picture better
23. Keep track of every day the date emblazoned in yr morning
24. No fear or shame in the dignity of yr experience, language & knowledge
25. Write for the world to read and see yr exact pictures of it
26. Bookmovie is the movie in words, the visual American form
27. In praise of Character in the Bleak inhuman Loneliness
28. Composing wild, undisciplined, pure, coming in from under, crazier the better
29. You're a Genius all the time
30. Writer-Director of Earthly movies Sponsored & Angeled in Heaven

Peace,
Justin

The Struggle

To believe in yourself,
And the life that you're living.
To love life and experience the world,
With an open mind, heart, and soul.
To be content with the good,
As well as the bad.
To know what it is,
That makes everything run.
To make peace,
To be sure,
To know,
And understand.

We long for it all.
How much we get,
We must decide.

Peace,
Justin

A Soreness

There is a soreness,
A soreness that flows throughout my body,
But not only my body, but my entire being,
A soreness of mind and of soul as well.
It invades my every thought and emotion,
Only encouraged by the circumstance of existence,
Further magnified by the enormity of perception.
It is a soreness that will remain through completion,
And follows through into fulfillment.
It exists always, a constant persistence.
No one knows all of the evil it has caused,
Nobody wants to,
But it is never forgotten, never lost or escaped.
At times it surfaces as anger or sorrow,
While for others it is an inspiration.
It is the author of numerous works,
The painter of many a scene,
The singer of a number of songs.
It is an artist and an intellectual,
It is a zealot and a bum.
But whatever it is, we all know it.
It has made or broken us all.
There is a soreness,
A soreness to which we are all well acquainted.

Peace,
Justin

Preface

The sky is a deep shade of gray,
Greatly contrasting the hill which stands ablaze,
With a bright hue of orange,
Projected on leafless trees,
By the setting sun.
The hill shadowed in the foreground,
By the dark green of pine trees.

As the sun continues to sink,
The orange dims and the gray lightens,
While the colors of the sky, hill, and pine trees blend.

It is early spring,
But the trees remain lifeless.
The absence of the sun's light,
Provides a solemn preface to the night.

Peace,
Justin

Wishful Thinking

Colorful visions,
Of wonderful thoughts,
Provide an image.
So clear.

Displayed across your mind,
Illustrated by the best,
Painted many colors.
So vibrant.

Viewing the world,
Imagining the rest,
What a sight.
So alive.

Dancing streams,
Of light and sound,
See and hear it all.
So pure.

Through the clouds,
Experience through beauty,
Feel the scene.
So fulfilling.

Wishful thinking,
To enjoy this brave world,
As more than it is.
Too much to ask.

Peace,
Justin

Who I Thought You Were

You were here a little while ago,
At least I thought that it was you.
But I guess you had ought to know now,
That I was wrong in what I thought I knew.

Peace,
Justin

US Open

US Open

The Martyrs

Innocent there,
They stood their ground,
Against the men they feared.
Not moving,
Still,
A human wall,
A wall that showed no fear.
It can't be said,
If they had a chance,
But many of them were lost,
And their message bold,
Rang clear that day,
No matter what the cost.

Peace,
Justin

Unseen

Dilapidated enterprise,
little hope remains.
Crumbling into oblivion;
coming apart at the seams.
Still holds on,
but little faith.
Silent death,
unseen.

Peace,
Justin

Dream

Intricate fantasies,
division unseen.
Floating past
the beginning.
End of a dream.

Peace,
Justin

Two

I set out that day,
To find me a way,
To make it okay,
But I failed.

I didn't get far,
But I still have a scar,
From that horrible war,
That I fought with myself.

Think of it again,
I know that you can,
Stands before you a man,
That has changed quite a bit.

But never forget,
That man who you met,
Because I'm willing to bet,
He still lives today.

Deep, down inside,
Is where he'll reside,
Until he's untied,
And I let him go free.

But if he's let go,
What will happen, I know,
Is that he won't stay below,
But he'll rise up and fight.

And then, you see,
Who I am, I won't be,
And I'm sure you'd agree,
That I've already changed quite enough.

Peace,
Justin

Old Man [The Song]

Old man,
Won't you tell me,
How did you keep courage during the war?
Your friend was killed beside you,
You shot a man,
You walked over a thousand fallen soldiers,
But you kept your courage up.

Old man,
Won't you tell me,
How did you hold back the tears when the Europeans took your land?
You were willing to share,
You were ready to help,
But they took over your land,
And you held back the tears.

Old man,
Won't you tell me,
How did you make ends meet during The Depression?
Nobody had any money,
Food and supplies were scarce,
You had to work for next to nothing,
But you managed to make ends meet.

[Chorus]
So, won't you tell me,
How did you survive?
After everything you've been through,
How did you survive?
After all the pain and sorrow you've known,
How did you survive?
How...

Old man,
Won't you tell me,
How did you feed your family when you lost your job?
You went into work that day,
And you had to turn right around and walk back out,
You didn't know how you'd make any money,
But you still managed to feed your family.

Old man,
Won't you tell me,
How did you keep faith when you were persecuted for your beliefs?
You studied and you prayed,
But they told you you were wrong,
And they beat the leaders of your church,
But you kept up your faith.

[Chorus]
So, won't you tell me,
How did you survive?
After everything you've been through,
How did you survive?
After all the pain and sorrow you've known,
How did you survive?
How...

Old man,
Won't you tell me,
How did you stay strong while you were imprisoned overseas?
You were fighting for a noble cause,
But the enemy captured and imprisoned you,
You lived seven years in a small dark cell,
But somehow you stayed strong.

Old man,
Won't you tell me,
How did you stay brave when the white men enslaved you?
You were captured in your homeland,
And shipped to an unknown place,
You were forced to do what the white men said,
But you still remained brave.

[Chorus]
So, won't you tell me,
How did you survive?
After everything you've been through,
How did you survive?
After all the pain and sorrow you've known,
How did you survive?
How...

You're still here.
You're still here.

Peace,
Justin

Old Man [A Tribute]

Old man,
Won't you tell me,
How did you keep courage during the war?

Old man,
Won't you tell me,
How did you hold back the tears when the Europeans took your land?

Old man,
Won't you tell me,
How did you make ends meet during The Great Depression?

Old man,
Won't you tell me,
How did you feed your family when you lost your job?

Old man,
Won't you tell me,
How did you keep faith when you were persecuted for your beliefs?

Old man,
Won't you tell me,
How did you keep courage while you were imprisoned overseas?

Old man,
Won't you tell me,
How did you stay brave when the white men enslaved you?

Old man,
Won't you tell me,
How did you survive?

You're still here.

Peace,
Justin

The Sterile Marshmallow

Well, it's been a vacation full of skiing. Today was my sixth consecutive day at Mount Sunapee. I'm exhausted and a little bit sore, but it has been an awful lot of fun. One of the high points of the week was yesterday. I dressed up in a giant white Tyvek sanitation suit, which was absolutely hilarious. Also, I had the pleasure of making friends with a chair lift pole. Here is how we met:

Peace,
Justin

Progress

Pack your bags [Prepare],
Lock your door [Good-Bye],
Leave your house [Escape],
Return no more [Gone].

That's not where you belong anymore,
That place is old and smells of times past,
Take what you need and don't return there,
Learn to move on, because it wasn't meant to last.

Peace,
Justin

Just stop

Just stop and take a pause,
Look around at everything,
Realize it'll never be perfect,
Realize you're not a king.

There's a lot you cannot change,
A lot you'll never fix,
But don't worry about it,
It's all just a part of the mix.

Take it as it comes,
Life isn't all that long,
Enjoy the time you've got,
Before all of it's gone.

Don't think about it,
Just get out there,
Have yourself a good time,
And just see how you fair.

Peace,
Justin

Unfulfilled Expectations

You had such a high opinion of me,
You held me above the rest,
You told me you were the luckiest,
You told me I was the best.

But you had the wrong opinion of me,
You should have held me below the rest,
I'm telling you you're not the luckiest,
And I'm telling you I'm not the best.

You put me apart from the others,
You thought I had something they didn't,
You told me I wasn't like everyone else,
You thought I could be what I didn't.

But you should have grouped me with the others,
Because I don't have anything they don't,
I guess I'm just like everyone else,
And what you thought I would be, I won't.


Or maybe you already figured all of that out on your own.

Peace,
Justin

Sometimes I Get Angry

Sometimes I get angry at the things I can't control,
I get angry at the things I can't make better.
Sometimes I get frustrated when I don't have the answers,
I get frustrated when I don't know what to say.
Sometimes I get irritated when I can't figure things out,
I get irritated when I don't know what to do.

Peace,
Justin

She Wonders

She sits alone and wonders,
About things she can't control,
About what it means to be alive,
And how to make herself whole.

She wants to know why she's here,
She wants to find an answer,
Something to look forward to,
A hope, a dream, a future.

She wonders if this is how it is,
She asks if it gets any better,
Whether there's any reason to carry on,
Whether anything she does really matters.

And nothing she's done has told her much,
Nowhere can she find any answers,
But that doesn't stop her from asking,
As she sits alone and wonders.

Peace,
Justin

One Thousand!

A major landmark for Thirty Nine has been reached. It has now officially received 1,000 hits, thanks to all of you who read what I have to say. Keep it coming, and I'll keep writing.

Peace,
Justin

Some Thoughts on Depression

I don't believe that depression is something that simply comes on, and I don't believe that it is a medical condition. I think it is a mental state in which you stop seeing the good things in your life. It is as if you lose the ability to see good in anything, and you're only able to see the bad. When all you can see is the bad, things don't look very good, and this is when you become depressed. When this happens, you begin to give up and lose hope. You stop thinking about your future and how your current actions will affect what comes next. All you can do is focus on how bad you think things are, and how wrong everything in your life seems to you. When all of this happens, it's not a wonder you stop seeing how lucky you really are. Even though there are many people in this world who are much worse off than you are, you can't see that when you enter into a depressed state of mind. It's not a wonder that you start to forget just how many people love you and care about you. You don't realize how many people start to worry when they see you in such a state of mind. You're hardly ever as badly off as you think you are, but how are you supposed to understand or believe that when you're there?

What I personally have difficulty understanding, though, is what exactly brings it on. What can make a person who is loved and cared about by many blind to everything good in their life? What causes someone to stop seeing the good in their life? What causes a person to become depressed? I don't know how to answer these questions, because, frankly, I don't understand what can cause these things to happen. One answer to these questions that has been passed around focuses the blame on a person's body, and says that it's caused by chemical imbalances in the brain. I have a very difficult time believing this, but it's one thing that I've heard. As I stated above, I don't think it's a medical condition. I know I don't really understand the workings of the brain, I don't think anyone really does, but I think there's a lot more going on up there than chemical and nerves and reactions and stuff. I think there's a lot more to people than that, and so I reject the theory that depression is caused by chemical imbalances. I do believe, however, that one cause of depression can be related to the body. For example, I believe that when you are sick, you are more likely to become depressed; however, I would also have to say that you are more likely to become sick when you are depressed. It's difficult to say what comes first, but in my opinion it probably varies. There is also an important thing called stress which is often involved. When a person is under a lot of stress, that person is more likely to become sick or depressed or both. There is a lot that goes into each of them, and I'm not sure how often any of them works entirely by itself. Whatever the case, I don't know that anyone can answer the question as to what causes depression and so with any certainty.

I don't expect anyone will ever find an answer, simply because I don't believe that it is a medical condition that we can simply search for a certain virus or bacteria that causes it. The reason for this, is that depression is not a physical or a medical condition, it's a state of mind. It's a mental, emotional, and spiritual condition of your entire being. I believe that it involves a lot more than just your physical being, or your body, because it encompasses every aspect of you. It's something you feel, something you live, and it's something you experience. It involves the people around you, your environment, and everything that you come into contact with.

You take in an awful lot every day of your life. Each experience, each conversation, each face you see, each sound you hear, each and every thing that you come into contact with throughout a day. It all adds up to your day, it all blends together, the good balances out the bad, and your life continues. Some things matter more than others, but ultimately everything adds up and contributes to how you feel, your mood. All of this, everything, is what goes into making us who we are and shaping us. It all influences us, and we think about and consider all of this. Much of it is done subconsciously, but some part of us is affected by most of what goes on around us. Sometimes, though, we think too much about what's going on around us, and that's when we start to put things together in combinations that don't really make sense. We start thinking about what could have happened or what might happen, and we start considering what would happen or how we'd feel if something did or had happened. Somehow we start living these things in our mind, we start experiencing these things, and they affect us. Although we know none of it has happened, we can't help but think about it, and we start feeling how we would have felt if it had happened or how we would feel if it did. I believe this is one way in which people become depressed.

There is an awful lot that can be said on this topic, but I'm tired, and I have said more than I planned on saying to begin with. If you have an opinion that you would like to share with me, or if you disagree with anything that I have said, I'd be interested in hearing from you. Leave me a comment or send me an email.

Oh, and don't worry, I'm not depressed.

Peace,
Justin