Changes

Today I decided that it was time for some changes. I was getting tired of the black background. I decided to try something new. It's still simple, and that's how I like it, but it's brighter, and It's different. Hope everyone likes the new look.

Peace,
Justin

Returning

Well, today marked a return, and it was a good thing to see, so I thought I'd write a short post on it. A man who goes to my church, who is in his early eighties, just recently got a knee replacement. It laid him up for quite awhile, because he got sick after the surgery, and had to stay in the hospital longer than expected, and then spent quite awhile with rehabilitation. His wife is someone who worries a lot, and it really brought her down, because she really depends on him, and wouldn't know what to do without him. The surgery took place back in November, though, so it has been quite a while. During that whole stretch of time neither of them made it to church, which is kind of too bad, because they both really enjoy the interaction and everything. In fact, he's the unofficial church photographer, and he'll do all kinds of odd jobs. They both really enjoy coming, so when they walked in the door today, everyone was really glad. It was really good for them to return. The first thing the man did was go around and get a hug from all of the women, and his wife just sat down in the their pew and shook her head. It was a really good thing to see. The best thing, though, was that he used to taking the collection on most Sundays, so when we got to the offering, the Reverend asked him if he wanted to do it. He was determined that he would, and he jumped right up and was ready to go. He's still using a cane, but he's come a long way, and it was good to see him back to his old duty. That's all, just a simple little thing that kind of inspired me.

Peace,
Justin

This Week

Sitting at home on a Friday night when I really felt like going out and doing something. Oh well, I’m tired and lazy and cheap, so I decided to stay home. I couldn’t have been with the person I want to be with anyway, though, so it doesn’t really bother me. Since I’m here, I figured I might as well run down the happenings of the week.

We had the snow day Monday, and then Mid-Terms on Tuesday, which also happened to be a half-day. I got home at about quarter after noon, and loaded my ski stuff into the car and headed to Sunapee to try and get a couple of hours of good skiing in. I was on the mountain not long after 1:00 PM, so I was pretty happy. I got about three hours, and in that time I got quite a few runs, because there are no lines on Tuesdays. It really is awesome having a season pass, because you can just ski for a couple of hours and you haven’t put down fifty bucks for it. Definitely worth it, even though this hasn’t been the greatest season for skiing due to some unusual weather. I had a good time; the conditions weren’t too bad considering the weather, just a little rough from being skied all day before me. I did manage to have a pretty incredible fall, though. I lost both skis and slid backwards and upside down quite a ways down the mountain before I managed to stop. Then I had to hike back up a ways to get my skis and I was pretty shaken up. I don’t know how I didn’t hurt myself, because I was going pretty quickly. I left a little before closing and drove home, although I was a little worried I was going to fall asleep, because I was drifting a little on the road. I did get home safely, though, and at a pretty decent time. I went to bed relatively early, because the final meet of the season was the following day.

I got up Wednesday morning and I didn’t want to go to school and take two Mid-Terms, but I did, because that’s just the way I am. The exams went pretty well in my opinion, but I was kind of nervous about the meet, because we were facing Conant again, and they’re by far our closest competitors. I really wanted to beat them this time, because we’d already had two close losses to them on the season. Again, my backstroke race looked pretty important, because two of their best swimmers were doing it. I didn’t feel all that great, and I think it’s because I hadn’t eaten enough, but I did what I could. No personal bests on the day, nothing two horrible, but I didn’t do anything amazing either. Our relay took second place against Keene for both the Medley and the Freestyle, which was a good sign. I won my heat of the 200 IM, but placed 5th overall and I didn’t drop any time like I wanted to. The race I wanted to do the best in, though, was the 100 Backstroke, and it was probably my worst event on the night. I was off of my time by over a second, but the good news is I did beat one of the Conant swimmers. Probably the most exciting part of the meet, though, was that Martineau qualified for States in the 100 Free with a 59.98, only seven hundredths of a second off my time. I was really excited for him, because he was close in quite a few events, and being a senior this was his last chance. I was really happy for him, and it helped me not feel so bad about my swims. The other really exciting thing, though, is that we did finally beat Conant, and this time by 20 points, which is pretty incredible. All of the seniors were honored, and all of the coaches ended up in the pool at the end of the meet, so it was a fun way to end the regular season.

Thursday I got my Mid-Term exam grades, and I was extremely surprised with how well I did on everything. I got a 92 on the Chemistry exam, a 94 on the English exam, a 95 on the Pre-Calculus exam, a 98 on the Keyboarding exam, and a 98 on the AP Spanish exam. This was by far the best I’ve ever done on exams. So all of my classes are going really well except for AP History, which I’m not doing well in at all. Not sure what I’m going to do to turn things around, but something’s got to happen. I’m not learning anything, and I’m not motivated enough to teach myself the history of the United States, it’s not something that matters a whole lot to me. Also, yesterday the entries for the State Meet were due, so I stayed after to talk to Motts about who’s doing what and who else is going for relays. Well, it’s been decided, I’m doing the 200 IM and the 100 Backstroke as my two events for States. The IM I’m not very excited about, but that’s okay, I’ll do it, and we’ll see what I can do. Nick and Fratea are also doing the IM, but they’re each doing the 100 Butterfly, while Baumgartner is sticking to the Freestyle sprints. We’re doing both of the 200 Yard relays, and hopefully we’ll do well in them. Motts decided that since Martineau qualified that he’d take a B team, and it’s going to be three freshman: Tommila, Geheran, and Upright, so it should be pretty exciting for all of them. The FR is the only girl that qualified, and she’ll be doing the 200 Freestyle and 100 Backstroke, so hopefully she’ll do well. Motts is taking four girls to run a relay without the FR, and they’ll be Elliott, Bisson, Ellis, and Baumgartner. They’re not going to do anything too exciting in the standings, but I’m glad they’re going, it should be a good experience no matter what.

We also had a band concert last night, which wasn’t anything special, it was short, so I’m not going to complain too much. I really don’t enjoy band that much, but luckily sitting next to Manzi and Baumgartner we manage to make it pretty funny, and it is the only class I have with some people, so I guess it’s not as bad as it seems. I’d miss getting to see some of those people if I didn’t have band with them. I was really tired, though, so I didn’t want to play at all. I fell asleep in the car on the way there, luckily I didn’t manage to convince mother not to go, because I probably wouldn’t have been up to driving myself home.

Today was an okay day. It was a little weird, because the week has been so messed up, and because we had a Pep Rally today, they switched 2nd and 7th Periods, which made things confusing. We really only had one day this week with a regular schedule, and that was yesterday, and it didn’t feel all that normal. The Pep Rally was absolutely pathetic, I’m not going to lie, I was pretty disappointed. I ended up getting my chest painted again, I got to be the “J” in JUNIORS, so that was kind of fun, it always is, and at the very end, there was a competition where a group from each class had to try and make every letter in the alphabet with their bodies. I ended up representing my class, and we did a pretty good job, in fact we won. It was a heck of a workout, but I thought it was pretty fun. Then I got to ride the bus home, which is never a good time. It seriously gets me down every time. Since then I haven’t done a whole lot, downloaded some music, watched some lame television shows, and completed one of those stupid addicting Sudoku puzzles. Now I’m just waiting to talk to the person I wanted to be with tonight.

Peace,
Justin

Saturday, etc...

Well, this post is going to be mainly about Saturday, which was another amazing day. We had a meet at Colby-Sawyer College against Hollis-Brookline, Goffstown, Kearsarge, John Stark, and Stevens that started at 11:00 AM. This meant we had to be at the school at 7:30 AM for the bus to go to Colby-Sawyer, so I had to get up at 6:30 AM and drive to the school. We had a good bus ride over, good time to get pumped up for a meet. We got there kind of early, which isn't a bad thing, because it gave us plenty of time to look around and check the place out. It is a beautiful pool, I am extremely jealous. Fratea, Baumgartner, Martineau, and I found out there was a small room in the locker room that said AWAY TEAM on the door, so we decided to take it over. That was kind of cool, because we got our privacy, the whole room to ourselves. When we went out on deck we were all pretty amazed, because it really is an awesome pool. The two parts that impressed me the most were that there was natural lighting from windows around the pool, and the ventilation system. The atmosphere felt so much healthier and more pleasant than what we're used to at Keene State. Don't get me wrong I'm not going to complain about Keene State's pool, it's definitely still one of the nicer ones I've seen for a High School team, but this pool was absolutely gorgeous. So that was a positive sign to begin with, because you always seem to do better in the nicer pools. We had plenty of room on deck which was also very nice. Before the meet stared, Baumgartner and I came up with a new cheer, which is pretty hilarious.

Row, row, row your boat,
Gently down the lane,
Don't forget to flip your turn,
Or we'll yell out our name:
MONADNOCK!

Warm-ups went pretty well, I was feeling good about the pool, and I was feeling good about my swimming. It's weird, I can generally tell in warm-ups whether I'm going to have a good meet, so I was pretty happy that I felt good. The blocks are really nice too, higher than what we're used to, even though that can cause some adjustment issues. The one thing that worried me was that the Backstroke start bar was awfully high, and caused you to place your feet on the very slipper metal lip to the gutter. I asked the FR what she thought about his and she suggested placing my hands on the gutter instead of the bar. I thought this sounded like a good idea and I used it.

My first event was the 200 Yard Medley Relay, as usual, with me leading off with Backstroke. The difference this time, though, was that we didn't have Nick Hall, so Fratea was going to do the Butterfly leg, and Tommila was doing the Freestyle leg for us. We did pretty well even without Nick. Our time was a 2:03.24, which I was pretty happy with. I felt kind of bad for Tommila, though, because he's only a Freshman, and he kind of felt like he needed to fill Nick's shoes. That would have been difficult to do, so I was pretty impressed with what he did, and I hope he realizes that he did a pretty decent job. My next event wasn't for awhile, but Baumgartner swam the 200 Yard Freestyle and qualified for States in it, and Fratea swam the 200 Yard IM and qualified in that. After awhile we got to the 100 Yard Butterfly, which was what I was swimming, even though I had never swum it before in competition. I felt pretty prepared for it, though, and I had a good feeling about it. I went out hard, and my stroke broke down a little towards the end, but it felt good the whole way. I needed to go 1:12.99 to qualify for States and I went 1:10.98. Not too bad considering it's not my stroke. I did, however, feel really bad for Martineau, because he had gone a 1:13 earlier this season, so he definitely had hopes of qualifying this meet, but instead he added like 5 seconds. Then I only had a short time to prepare for the 500 Yard Freestyle. Luckily I didn't feel too tired after the Butterfly, because I knew I'd need a lot of energy for the 500. The last time I had swum the 500 was at the first meet of the season, when I went somewhere around a 6:45. The State cut time is 6:18.99, so I had an awful lot of time to drop. But I didn't see it as an impossibility, so I asked the FR to be my counter, and I asked her to stay on top of me and make me qualify, because I was pretty sure I could do it after the huge drop I'd made in the 200 Freestyle at the last meet. It felt awfully good, and as soon as I hit the wall I asked the timers how I'd done. The replied that I'd gone a 6:16.17. I was so excited, I couldn't even believe that I had done it, that I had dropped about half of a minute. I had lapped a couple of the other swimmers so I had time to just tread water and loosen up a little bit. While I was doing this, Kierstin, who was waiting behind the blocks for the next event asked me how I had done, and I told her that I'd qualified. I think she was pretty amazed, because all she pretty much told me that she hated me and that I make her sick, haha. No, everyone was wicked excited for me, and I really appreciate all of the support I've gotten from the team this year. The team is great, seriously. My final event of the meet was the 400 Yard Freestyle Relay. Motts had split up the relays in a rather interesting manner, since we didn't have Nick, so I wasn't with any of the typical A team. I was the lead-off leg, and I went out with a split somewhere around a minute, completely blowing everyone else away and giving my relay team a huge lead to work with. They did really well and held onto the lead against all but one of the other teams. I was really happy.

It was a great meet, and I still can't believe how well I did, just how much I've improved this year, it's incredible. As we were walking out to the bus, Motts came over to us and showed us the results. As if the day could get any better, we discovered that the guy's team had won the meet, beating all 5 of the teams we had faced, and that the girls' team had only lost to Hollis-Brookline. By far the best meet of the season for our team as a whole. This improved the guy's team record to 17-10, so no matter what we're guy's a better than .500 season, a winning record. We were all wicked excited with this news. We all got on the bus and proceeded to McDonald's for lunch. This didn't really excite me, because I don't really do the whole McDonald's/Burger King/Wendy's scene, but that's okay. I got a salad and a milkshake. We ate on the bus, and had a good ride home, even though we were all exhausted. Somehow on the bus, it came up that my back-windshield wiper/washer is broken, and so when you press the WASH button, it just sprays the fluid directly backward. So when we got to the school everyone wanted to see this. It was hilarious, it sprays quite a distance, and everyone was jealous. Then I drove home.

We went to the India Pavilion for dinner. I was feeling like something exotic, so that was fun. That place seriously must be close to closing, there was like nobody there. Oh well, they make good food. Then we came home and I spent much of the evening talking to Stacie. That was really good, and I'm feeling a lot better about everything, so Saturday was an amazing day all around. I had a great day.

Yesterday was Sunday, so we went to church in the morning. Then we watched football for much of the day. I called both games, the Steelers and the Seahawks both won. Then I had practice last night. We worked pretty hard, but luckily not too hard, because my body still ached, and still does ache, from the meet. Not too much else went on yesterday.

Today is a snow day, so I'm just relaxing and enjoying the day off.

Peace,
Justin

This Is Frustration

Last night, after an evening filled with thought, I got this horrible feeling deep down within me. I couldn't figure out what had prompted me to think what I was thinking, but I decided I should write it down. At the time I simply typed it up as it came and it's not written in a very sensible sequence or structure, so what I'd like to do in this post is rewrite that which came to me last night, and make it ready for the rest of the world to read and interpret.

I just got this really sick feeling deep down inside of me, and I have no idea why. Basically what I began to feel was that no matter what, there is no way that everything is going to work out. There is always going to be something that gets to me. There is always going to be something wrong, something that I just can't fix, something that prevents me from being completely happy. There is no way around it, that's just how it is, that's just how it always will be. No matter how many times I change, no matter how many times I find a new way to look at things, no matter what other people do for me, things are not going to work out for me. Things are just not going to come together in a way in which they can remain, ever. There will always be at least one thing, because everything cannot all be right at the same time. I'm not going to be happy. I'm not going to be content with how things are. From time to time I may think that I've discovered a way to change this, I know, because it's happened to me on a couple of occasions. From time to time I'm going to start to believe that things have finally changed, that everything's going to be alright, and that everything is finally working out. But in the end, everything's just going to fall apart again, everything's going to go right back to the way it was before. Only now it's going to be worse, because I'll have one more thing to regret messing up, one more thing that I thought was the answer to all of my problems. But each time I'll have been mistaken. I will have been fooled into thinking that maybe things could get better, that maybe something was finally changing, and that maybe, just maybe, I'd finally figured things out. Then something will happen, things will change, and everything will fall apart. Sometimes it will be my fault, sometimes it will be somebody else's, but every time, it's going to happen, and every time, it's going to feel horrible. I just can't ever keep everything stable, I just can't ever make everything right, it just can't happen, I'm not meant to have that, I'm not meant to find that happiness.

This is frustration. This is what I feel.

How can I possibly continue to look forward? How can I continue to hope that sooner or later it's all going to work out, when deep down inside of me, I have a horrible feeling that it never will? How can I continue to ask myself if maybe this is the time, this is it, it's finally happening, when I have this sickening feeling that it never will? How can I continue to think that it could be happening to me? How can I continue to even try to make it happen? When I know that every time I get my hopes up, every time I start to wonder, every time I start to think that maybe this is it, I'm going to fall flat on my face. It's not going to happen to me, so how can I continue to hope that it will? How do I keep getting back up and trying again?

This is frustration. This is what I feel.

Peace,
Justin

Going A Little Further

This is a selection from a book that the guy I mentioned in the previous post reccomended to me. I found it in a review of the book on Amazon, and after reading this selection, I'm convinced that this is a book I should look into reading. There's a lot in what this part says alone.

"SO MANY OF US LIVE OUR LIVES AS IF THE SECRET PURPOSE IS TO SOMEHOW GET EVERYTHING DONE....OFTEN WE CONVINCE OURSELVES THAT OUR OBSESSION WITH OUR "TO DO" LIST IS ONLY TEMPORARY--THAT ONCE WE GET THROUGHT THE LIST, WE'LL BE CALM, RELAXED AND HAPPY. BUT IN REALITY, THIS RARELY HAPPENS. AS ITEMS ARE CHECKED OFF, NEW ONES SIMPLY REPLACE THEM. THE NATURE OF YOUR "IN BASKET" IS THAT IT'S MEANT TO HAVE ITEMS TO BE COMPLETED IN IT--IT'S NOT MEANT TO BE EMPTY....REMEMBER THAT NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR OWN SENSE OF HAPPINESS AND INNER PEACE AND THAT OF YOUR LOVED ONES. IF YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH GETTING EVERYTHING DONE, YOU'LL NEVER HAVE A SENSE OF WELL-BEING! IN REALITY, ALMOST EVERYTHING CAN WAIT...THE PURPOSE OF LIFE ISN'T TO GET IT ALL DONE BUT TO ENJOY EACH STEP ALONG THE WAY AND LIVE A LIFE FILLED WITH LOVE."

Peace,
Justin

Wednesday

Today we had a two-hour delay of school due to rain. I really don't understand how we can be getting so much rain at this time of the year, I mean it's January. This is kind of disappointing, because I want to go skiing, and this rain is destroying all of the snow, not that the unseasonably high temperatures aren't doing that by themselves. We have definitely had enough rain, though, after the flooding this fall, I would have thought we'd gotten our fair share of it, but apparently we're not done yet. As much as I hate this weather, I did at least enjoy getting the extra two hours of sleep. Besides that it wasn't a very exciting day.

One interesting little bit of information, Nick Hall is leaving for Canada and won't be back until early next week. He's going to be competing in the Quebec Cup for swimming, which I think is pretty exciting. This means he'll be missing our meet on Saturday, though, which isn't great for the team, but I think we'll do alright without him. I think Mike Martineau will probably fill in Nick's spot on our relay team, which isn't a bad thing, because he has gotten very good in a very short period of time, and will definitely be a reasonable substitute. It should be interesting to see how we do, I don't know what I'm swimming yet, but hopefully I'll have another fun meet, since I've already qualified for the State Meet in 4 events. I was thinking it might be fun to try the 100 Butterfly, but I haven't mentioned it to Motts yet. Whatever the case, I'm not too worried about how we do either way, because we have mid-terms this week, and that's what I should be focusing on. I would like to wish Nick good luck this week, it's nice to have him there representing us. I really do hope he does well, because I think he's been struggling lately, and therefore could use a bit of a pick-me-up. I think some strong times at this meet would do a lot for him, so I definitely want him to succeed this weekend.

Also related to swimming, I got a chance to talk to one of the guys that used to help Jack out with the Gators while he was still going to Keene State College. A couple of summers ago he was doing much of the coaching and worked a lot with me. We got along pretty well and I still get to talk to him from time to time. He's been traveling the world since he graduated from college, which makes conversation generally rather interesting. Right now he's living in Seoul, Korea, where he's teaching English. From the sound of it, he's living rather comfortably and really enjoying himself, which I think is absolutely fantastic. He teaches from noon to 5:00 PM and is making around $2,500 a month tax-free, along with around $1,500 a month from private lessons. Life sounds pretty good to me. It's really interesting talking to him, because he seems to have learned a lot from his time away from the States. In his opinion Americans take life way too seriously, and care way too much about everything. His explanation makes sense, and I can definitely tell that he's really happy with the changes he's found outside of the United States. He said a couple of things that I found rather amusing, so I think I'll put them in here. On Americans: "In America, if we stub our toe we have to post it in our blog." Also, upon reading some of what I'd written on this site, he said: "You're too smart for New Hampshire." He's a really great guy, It's nice catching up with him from time to time, always an interesting conversation.

On an entirely different note, I've been thinking again, what a surprise. Some of it was prompted by our conversation, and how we care so much about everything and take everything awfully seriously. Like he said, that doesn't mean you should stop caring about everything, but it makes you think, especially when you think about all of the little things that can upset you. I know I let an awful lot of stupid little things get to me, and sometimes they can be the reason why I have a bad day. That's when I try to put things in perspective, because I know that most of those things really don't matter in the grand scheme of things. But I think there's a delicate balance between caring too much and caring too little. It's hard to find that gray area in between the two extremes. Generally we're on one end or the other. One of my goals is to find a way to bring my life into that center region and care just enough about everything appropriate to its magnitude and effect on my life, my well-being, and my happiness. Some aspects of our lives need a lot more attention than others, and lots of times we give to much attention to the wrong ones. It's something we all do, but I'd like to try and correct it, because some things matter much more than others. And I don't want to judge the importance of things by what I'm told, or what others have believed, I want to find out on my own. I want to judge each thing for myself and rank them in my life accordingly.

I haven't been doing very well at this lately. I haven't been giving the right amount of attention to the things that matter. Actually, I haven't been giving the right amount of attention to much of anything. I need to try to balance things, and figure out what matters to me, but it's really a difficult task, and sadly, it isn't always completely up to me. A lot of things that I don't really care about have found a way to take up my time and energy in ways that they should never be allowed to. It bothers me most when I have no control over the things that are taking up my time, but I guess that's just part of life. Which makes me wonder if maybe I'll never be able to achieve my goal of finding and implementing a balance into my life. I'm not giving up, though. Hopefully I'll be able to figure this out, and give the things that matter what they deserve.

Time is such a valuable thing, why is it so difficult to manage?

Peace,
Justin

"It helps to write it down, even when you then cross it out." -- Nada Surf

Maybe It Could Be Better

Follow the road,
Follow the signs.
Follow the warnings,
Follow the rules.
Do everything just how it's always been done.
I don't want to.
I'm tired of doing it your way,
I'm tired of doing it the way.
I don't know any different,
Nobody does.
It's the life I've grown to know.
It's all I've ever known.
But what if there's something better?
What if there's a better way?

Forget your road,
Forget your signs.
Forget your warnings,
Forget your rules.
Do everything a new way.
That's what I want to do.
I want to try a new way,
I want to do things my way.
I don't know how that is,
But I'd like to learn, to teach myself.
Try something new, a change.
Maybe things could change,
Maybe life could be different.
Maybe it could be better.

Peace,
Justin

Let Go...

The summer retreat for so many, where the land meets the sea.

Step off the walk and onto the soft, sun-warmed sand,
Feel it between your toes.

Approach the water and slip deeper into the sand,
Feel the mud cool your feet.

Stand there, the breeze comes in off of the sea,
Feel it cool your face.

With the breeze comes some salt spray,
Feel it sting your eyes.

The sun beats down from high above, an orange orb,
Feel it burn your skin.

Walk a little farther, into the water,
Feel the waves wash up your legs.

Dive in and let the salt-water encompass you,
Feel how it cools your body.

This is why you came, the deep, healing, relaxing environment,
Feel not the cares of the world.

Let go...

Peace,
Justin

Anyone?

Why do I think so much about everything?

It's a curse.

Peace,
Justin

I'm Still Here

It's been an awfully long time since I've posted anything. It's been an awfully long time since I've completed a poem, and it's been an awful long time since I've just written about what's going on in my life. A lot has happened, and I can't even begin to put it all into words, nor can I remember everything that has taken place. I wish I had taken the time out of my busy days to just put something in here, because this really is a record of who I am, and what's going on. I'm also a little disappointed in the drought of completed poetry. I've written some different things here and there on scrap sheets of paper, but I haven't been able to make anything final. Partly because I don't really understand what I'm feeling anymore and I don't know how to express it, and partly because I just haven't had the time to sit down and work on anything for very long. I've fallen behind in a lot of things, though, not just my writing. Not a whole lot seems to be working besides swimming right now. Last week, I pretty much decided to ditch everything else, and just focus on that, which brought a lot of ups and downs, and has given me a lot to do this weekend in catching up. I guess that's alright, the success I achieved in swimming this week is worth almost any amount of work to me.

This season holds special importance due to how the last season ended, and so far it has more than made up for what happened last year. As of now I have qualified for the State Meet in four events: the 100 Yard Backstroke, the 200 Yard Individual Medley, the 200 Yard Freestyle, and finally the 100 Yard Freestyle. Last year I only qualified in one event, so I'm really excited about what I've accomplished. The one thing, though, that I am probably the most excited about is that at last Tuesday's meet, I broke the Monadnock Boy's School Record in the 100 Yard Backstroke. This is short and sweet but this is what the season has added up to so far, and I guess it's all that really matters. I've worked really hard, and the rewards as usual have been huge. I really don't know what I'd do if I didn't have swimming. It's probably the most important aspect of my life right now, and it's the only thing that has kept my head up.

This is 2006, it's a new year, and when it began, I had great hopes that it would be an amazing year. So far, in every respect except swimming, it has not lived up to expectations. This is rather disappointing, because I really thought this was going to be my year; I know there is plenty of time left, though, and that I shouldn't give up on it yet, but so far things are not going smoothly for me. I just don't know what to think. It had the makings of being amazing, everything was in place, and then coming back to school to begin the new year, I realized that things had changed. Whether it be my fault or not, things have changed, and I guess I shouldn't be surprised, it was bound to happen. Good things don't seem to last. I haven't given up, but I also have begun to doubt that things will work themselves out and that everything will all be great in the end. They never have been in the past, why should anything change now?

How different things are since the last time I posted in here. I shouldn't have let this much time pass, this is where I tell myself what's going on, this is where I try to make sense of things, and although I'm constantly thinking, this is where my thoughts come together.

It's weird how once you discover something you've never had, when it feels like it's slipping away, you don't know what to do. Fear sets in, and you begin to wonder how you will go on without what you've been given. But you were fine before, you were doing fine without it, why shouldn't you be able to handle it now? Once you've had a taste though, you don't want to give it up. Again, I'm worrying; I'm putting myself without that which I haven't already lost, or have I? It's hard to tell, it really is. Is it my fault? I don't know, but if it is, how could I have done this to myself? But on the other hand, what was I thinking? I had been doing perfectly fine, nothing was wrong, I had finally decided that things were going to fine. Then I changed. Why did I change? I changed for the worse, in hopes of finding better. And I did find better, but it hasn't lasted, and I'm back to where I was, but now I want something, something I didn't need before, but I feel like I do now. I know I don't, but what does it matter anyway? I don't have any of the answers, I never did, I only thought I did, I made everything up for the position I was in, and it worked. It's not working anymore, though. Forgive my rambling, as I stated earlier, I don't really know what I'm feeling, this is just a weak attempt at figuring things out.

I hope this week will be a better week, and that all of my fears will be put to rest. I feel small and alone. Don't leave me here in the dark. If it's time for me to go, it's time for you to tell me. I know you say it isn't, but you can't tell me this is the same. And maybe it's your fault, and maybe it's mine, but something has happened, and things have changed. Put my fears to rest, or tell me to go. The choice is yours and the reason is yours, because I have none. I can't find any answer, maybe there is none.

That's all I have right now, I'll try to write more, obviously I need to, but it's hard to treat a wound if you don't know where it is.

Peace,
Justin

"...I urge you to use all of your days thinking of peace and love, and to turn your thoughts into words and to let your voice be heard. There is no war going on in the world that is justified, none of this. We love you, thank you for coming." -- The Red Hot Chili Peppers - Live in Hyde Park